PS 3515 
.fll7 B3 
1922 

I Copy 1 



=^ 



..IE BACKFIRE 

A Comedy-Drama in Three Acts 

BY 

EUGENE HAFER 




Price 35 Cents 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

Franklin, Ohio ^b^ Denver, Colo. 



944 So. Logan Street 



L-J ERE is a list of very clever child- 
ll impersonations or good encores 
for children. The lines are by 
Margaret Fassitt, the music by Anna 
and Harry C. Eidridge. They will 
be winners on your program. 



Ain't It The Umil? ) 

When You Ask About Your Fixins f soc 



Both in 

one 
number 



If Santa Shouldn't Come To Me| _ 
Tve Been And Had The Measles ) soc 



Both in 

one 
number 



Both in 

one 
number 



I Wish I Had A Ginger-cake ) 
Our Twins ) soc 

When Grandpop Was A Boy ] 
When Daddy Took Me Up i ^, 
In A 'PfcineJ 



Eidridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 



Both in 

one 
number 



The Backfire 



A COMEDY-DRAMA IN THREE ACTS 



By EUGENE HAFER 



Copyright 1922, Eldridge Entertainment House 



Published By 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 

FRANKLIN, OHIO DENVER, COLO 



NOTICE! ^ \C\^^ 

Terms of Royalty 

This play is protected by copyright and the rights 
of presentation are given only upon compliance with the 
following conditions: 

Royalty for one performance - - $10.00 

Royalty for two performances - - $15.00 

Each performance thereafter - - - $5.00 
Royalty payable before performance. 



Cast of Characters 

BiLLiE — A Clerk in the oiTice of Morrison and Morrison. 

Harry Langdon — Who thinks Six Months Work a Year 
should be the legal limit. 

Winnie — The Source of all of Billie's Joys and Sorrows. 

Grace — Harry's guiding Star. 

Bruce Morrison — Part Owner of the firm of Morrison 
and Morrison; one of New York's heaviest 
Speculators. 

Stanley Royson — Who is working from Necessity, not 
Choice, even as you and I. 

Dorothy Gray — Morrison's Private Secretary. 

Brent Locksley — A Rising young Lawyer. 

Hopkins — Butler at Winnie's Home. 



DEC 30 mi ®^^° ^^^''^^ 



THE BACKFIRE 



ACT I. 

Scene — Office of Morrison and Morrison. New York 
City. Doors royiU, Lejt and center. Table desk down R. 
Table desk doivn L, with several journals or ledgers\ 
Telephone on each desk, ivith ink well, pens, etc. Chairs 
up K and L. Filing cabinets and other office furniture 
should be used as necessary. This scene shoidd conve^, 
the impression of a successful brokerage concern. 

Time: About 11:80 a. m. 

As curtain rises, Billie, a young felloiu of about 21, 
is disco vbita pacmg impaUentty back and forth. Occa- 
sionally he LOOKS out door C, then continues pacing. 

(Enter Harry, a well-dressed young fellow of about 
25, Jiui rivuly.) 

Harry — {breathlessly) Billy, what in thunder — 
Billie — (quickly; looking in alarm at door R) Sh- 

not so louu. iViOiirison's on tne war path again this 

morning. 

Harry — (in a u-hisper) What's the trouble? 

Billie — ^Stan didn't show up for work this morning. 

Harry — But what in thunder was the idea of call- 
ing me up and hurrying me down here this morning? 

Billie — Winnie called up and said she had some- 
thing real imporumt to tell us and that she and Grace 
would be right down. 

Harry — What do they want? 

Billie — {shrugging shoulders) Search me. Did 
you tacKie old man Mansur last night about marrying 
Grace ? 

3 



The Backfire 



Harry — (in disgust) Yes. But I couldn't get any 
satisfaction out of him. He wants to talk the matter 
over with Winnie's father before giving a definite an- 
swer. Did you see Mr. Weston about marrying Winnie? 

BiLLiE — f glumly) Yes. 

Harry — Well, what did he say? 

BiLLiE — He just sat back in his chair and laughed. 

Harry — Well, I don't blame him. I'll bet the way 
you asked him was a scream. Did he say anything? 

BiLLiE^ — Yes. Same old line. Wants to discuss the 
matter first with Grace's father. 

Harry — {Throtvs up both hands in disgust) Great 
Scott! Can't they do anything without first holding a 
consultation? I'll bet they go into executive session to 
decide whether or not to eat breakfast. 

BiLLiE — {impatiently) I wish they would hurry 
up. This business is getting on my nerves. 

{Enter Winnie and Grace, C, both neatly dressed, in 
shopping attire. Winnie is nineteen, bright and bub- 
bling, while Grace is slightly her senior.) 

Winnie — {cheerfully) Well, I see we're all here. 

BiLLiE — {hurrying over and meeting her eagerly) 
Winnie, what did he say? Did he say "yes"? 

Grace — (laughing) Not so fast, Billie. "When 
ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." 

Harry — (discouraged) That's enough. You need- 
n't tell us the answer now. 

BlLLlE — (despairingly) Then the answer is "no"? 

Winnie — Not exactly. That will depend on you. 

Grace — (Laughs) If you can check your impar 
tience until we sit down, we'll tell you all about it. 

(Harry and Billie bring up chairs for the girls with 
breackneek speed.) 

Billie — (impatiently) Winnie, don't keep me in 
suspense any longer. He didn't say "no"? 



The Backfire 



Winnie — Well, listen. Mr. Mansur called on dad 
last night, and while they were together they talked over 
our engagements — and came to an agreement. 

BiLLiE — (eagerly) Agreement that we could get 
married ? 

Gra.ce — No, indeed. (Billie assumes extremely 
crestfallen manner.) An agreement to our engagements 
— provided — 

Harry — (sarcastically) Now, it's coming. I'll bet 
my Christmas jewelry he wants me to go to work. 

BiLLiE — (impatiently) Yes, yes — provided what? 

Winnie — Are you sure you can stand the shock, 
Billie? 

Harry — Shock! In this age of knee dresses and 
rolled stockings! Nothing shocks us any more. So let's 
have it. 

Grace — Provided — you can each show your ability 
to earn $5,000 a year. 

(Billie and Harry drop into chairs stunned.) 

BiLLiE — (dazedly) $5,000 a year!!! 

Harry — Grace, you don't mean $5,000? 

Grace — Exactly. We thought it would upset you a 
bit. 

Billie — (appealingly) Winnie, they can't mean 
$5,000. 

Winnie — (easily) Oh, yes they can. The minute 
you demonstrate your ability to earn $5,000 a year, they 
consent to our engagements. 

Harry — (glumly) That will be when Packards sell 
for thirty cents. Billie, we're done. 

Billie — (complainingly) It's mighty funny — the 
best looking girls in this world always have the worst 
fathers. 

Grace — Well, I'm sure if I tried real hard I could 
earn $5,000 a year, couldn't you, Winnie? Thousands are 
doing it. 



6 The Backfire 



Winnie — {with slight toss of head) Hundreds of 
thousands. 

Harry — Yes, and ther are hundreds of millions who 
aren't doing it. 

(Bell off stage R, rings violently several times.) 

BiLLiE — (jumps to his feet in alarm) Good Lord, 
Morrison! (In great excitement) Hurry up! Hide be- 
hind the door' — hide anywhere! 

Winnie — (in alarm) Why, Billie, what's the mat- 
ter? 

BiLLlE — (pulling her hurriedly toward door C) Mat- 
ter! Morrison's on the war path this morning. And if 
he finds all of you people visiting me this morning there 
will be murder sure. (Exit Winnie, precipitately C.) 

Grace — (hurrying to door L, pulling Harry with 
her) Oh, good heavens ! Come on Harry. (Exeunt Har- 
ry and Grace L.) 

(Enter Morrison R, furiously.) 

Morrison — (looking around furiously) Where's 
that young scoundrel? 

BiLLiE — (looking apprehensively at door L and door 
C) He — he hasn't come down yet. 

Morrison — (Bangs desk with his fist) He hasn't? 
Then, where is he? 

BiLLiE — (edging nervously farther away) I — I 
don't know. 

Morrison — Well, why don't you know? People who 
work for me must know everything. Who was that 
talking in here before? 

BiLLiE — (frightened) Why — er — nobody. 

Morrison — Nobody, eh! There was somebody 
talking in here. Who was it? 

BiLLiE — I — I was talking to myself. 

Morrison — (scathingly) Talking to yourself! 
Young man, in the future find somebody with intelli- 
gence to talk to. 



The Backfire 



EiLLiE — Yes, sir. 

Morrison — And when that young scoundrel, Roy- 
son, comes in, send him in to me immediately, do you 
hear, immediately. (Exit angrily, R.) 

BiLLiE — (Sinks exhausted into chair. Motions 
weakly for others to come in.) All right, 

Winnie — (looking in door C, nervously) Is — is he 
gone? 

Harry — (looking in door L) Is he gone? 

BiLLiE — (limply) Yes. 

(Winnie, Grace and Harry enter timidly.) 

Harry — (whispers) By George, that man would 
make a great second lieutenant. 

Winnie — (nervously) Why was he so angry, Billie? 

BiLLiE — Stan didn't show up for work this morn- 
ing. 

Grace — Poor old Stan. Always in trouble. 

Billie — And just when Miss Cray had Stan trying 
to do better, too. 

Winnie — Miss Gray? Who is that? 

Billie — Mr. Morrison's new secretary. Pretty as a 
picture. Stan fell head over heels in love with her the 
first time he saw her, and ever since he has been trying 
to do better. Now for a week he's been down to work on 
time, until today — 

Grace — But father says Stan Royson is one of the 
best young stock-and-bond men in the city. 

Harry — I'll bet he doesn't make $5,000 a year. 

Billie — $5,000! Believe me, Stan's got a real job 
ahead of him. 

Winnie — (in surprise) What do you mean? 

Billie — Miss Grey thinks Stan is possessed of ex- 
ceptional ability. She has told Stan that she will con- 
sider him a failure unless he makes use of that ability 
and earns $10,000 a year. 



The Backfire 



Harry — Oh, these women! They think it's as easy 
to make $10,000 as it is'to spend it. 

Grace — {looking apprehensively at door R) I think 
we'd better go, Winnie. Suppose he should come in 
again! What time do you go out to lunch, Billie? 

BiLLiE — But wait. We haven't finished that $5,000 
business yet. 

Harry — -If we wait for lunch until we finish that, 
we'll starve. We'll come back for you in about half an 
hour. 

Billie — All right. (Winnie, Grace and Harry ex- 
eunt C. Billie walks over to desk L, and leans hack iri 
deep thought. Mutters disgustedly.) $5,000! Ye gods! 
Why didn't he make it five million? 

(Enter Stanley Royson, C, breathlessly. He is a 
young felloiv about twenty-seven or -eight, well dressed.) 

Stan — Billie, I have the darnedest luck. How's the 
old man? Is he very sore? 

Billie — {Looks Stan over from head to foot and 
pretcfids not to knoiv him.) Were you speaking to me, 
sir? 

Stan — {impatiently) Ah, come, Billie. Stop the 
foolishness. Am I in for it or not? 

Billie — Well, if it isn't our old friend, Stan! You 
haven't been around here for so long a time, I forgot 
that you were working here. What was it this time? 
Cabaret? 

Stan — (disgustedly) No, carburetor. (Anxious- 
ly) Has Morrison been asking for me? 

Billie — No, he's been demanding that someone go 
out and bring you in dead or alive. 

Stan — (nervously) Do you think I'd better go home 
and play sick? 

Billie — He's been calling for you every five min- 
utes since nine o'clock. Every time I answer his bell 
this morning I acquire some beautiful additions to my 
vocabulary. 



The Backfire 



Stan — {wryly) Whew! I suppose I'm in for it. 

BiLLiE — I know you are. I'll go in and tell him that 
you have arrived. That will please him. {Starts for 
door R.) 

Stan — {stops him) You'll do nothing of the kind. 
Do you want to see me murdered in cold blood? We have 
to think up some kind of an excuse. 

BiLLiE — We do? Stan, old boy, we don't But if 
you'll listen to these words of wisdom, you'll think of 
something in a mighty big hurry, because I'm expecting 
that bell to have another convulsion any second. 

Stan — Billie, there's one thing about you that I 
like. You're so wonderfully encouraging. 

Billie — Well, let's have the whole story. Carbu- 
retor, eh? Sounds fishy . You'll have to invent a better 
one than that for old Morrison. 

Stan — But that is what caused the trouble. I started 
out this morning with the best of intentions of getting 
down here before Morrison. 

Billie — (sarcastically) Sounds good so far. 

Stan — But it was such a beautiful morning, I de- 
cided to take a little spin out into the country. I went 
farther than I intended, and then, when I was about ten 
miles from civilization — 

Billie — Yes, and then — 

Stan — Then that confounded carburetor went back 
on me. 

Billie — You'll have to invent a better one than that. 
Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast, but that 
story won't soothe old Morry. 

Stan — But, Billie, can't you think of some scheme? 

Billie — The only sensible scheme for you to adopt 
is to go out and buy a suit of armor. 

Stan — (complainingly) That's the one thing I don't 
like about these business men. They're so particular 
about having people come dovm to work every day. 



10 The Backfire 



BiLLiE — (^sarcastically) Yes, it's a deuced nuisance. 

Stan — WTiat caused the extra violence of the storm 
this morning? 

BiLLiE — Something about that American Fur stock 
deal. 

Stan — (grabs up calendar violently) Good Lord! 
Was that transaction to be carried out this morning? 
(Whistles.) .Whew! I guess I am in for it. 

BiLLiE — So it appears. But can't that transaction 
be carried out this afternoon as well as this morning? 

Stan — No. That's where the rub comes in. I'm 
not going into that transaction at all. 

BiLLiE — And why not? 

Stan — Because it's crooked. 

BiLLiE — You mean to say that Morrison is going to 
try something that isn't entirely above board? 

Stan — Don't mention this to a soul, Billie, but every 
big transaction that Morrison has put through this year 
has been crooked. 

(Enter Dorothy, R. She is a strong-charactered, 
refined girl of twenty-one, dressed in neat business at- 
tire.) 

Stan — (crossing over to her eagerly) Good morn- 
ing, Miss Gray. 

Dorothy — Good afternoon, Mr, Royson. 
Billie — Good evening, Mr. Royson. 

Stan — (looks at watch) Eleven-thirty. Good 
NIGHT! 

Dorothy — (seating herself at desk R.) Mr. Morri- 
son wished to see you as soon as you came in, Mr. Roy- 
son. He's terribly angry. 

Stan — (complainingly) Don't some people get an- 
gry over the smallest trifles? 

Billie — (rises and starts for door R.) I'll tell him 
you've come, Stan. 



The Backfire 11 



Stan— (tmrnedly) Here, wait a moment. I have- 
n't thought of a single excuse except that confounded 
carburetor. Do you think that one is all right? 

BiLLiE — I'm quite sure you will find it is not. 

Dorothy — If you don't go in there to see him, he'll 
come in here to see you. So don't you think you'd better 
go now and get it off your mind ? 

Stan — (resignedly) I'd rather have it on my mind 
than have him on my neck. Well, here goes. (Buttons 
up coat; tugs nervously at collo.r.) Billie, I like motor 
funerals best, (Musters up courage; bravely starts for 
door R, then stops lamely.) 1 — T believe I'll wait a few 
minutes. 

Billie — Sure, take your time, Stan. But shut the 
door when you go in. I'm not used to that kind of lan- 
guage. 

Stan — (sitting on edge of Dorothy's desk; com- 
plainingly) I'm the unluckiest fellow in the whole world. 
Miss Gray. Only yesterday I made a complete schedule 
of new resolutions, even had them typewritten: that I 
would never be late for work again ; that I would always 
do my best to please old Morrison; and then — 

Dorothy — And then — 

Billie — (sarcastically) A little soft music would 
go well here. 

Stan — And then that confounded carburetor had to 
go back on ine. (Pathetically.) Now, that wasn't my 
fault, was it, Miss Gray? There I was out on that coun- 
try road, ten miles from nowhere, and had to walk all 
the way in to town. 

Billie — This is too sad. 

Dorothy — (compelled to laugh in spite of herself) 
Poor Mr. Royson. You do have the awfullest luck, don't 
you? 

Stan — Rotten. You don't think it's my fault, do 
you? 



12 The Backfire 



BiLLiE — Stan, old boy, it's not what she thinks, that 
is going to count. Just wait till you hear old Morrison's 
verdict. 

Dorothy — Why not go in and explain the matter 
just as it happened? Perhaps when he sees that you 
have been trying to do better it may help matters some- 
what. 

Stan- — (dubiously) Yes, it might help some if I 
can get in enough words to explain. 

BiLLiE — You'll do mighty well to get any farther 
than the door without trying to do any explaining. 

Stan — Billie, you're such a comfort in a pinch. 

BiLLiE — (7-ises with ledger) If that bell of mine has 
another fit while I'm gone, you just answer it. (Exit L.) 

Dorothy — (seriously) Mr. Royson, you're treat- 
ing this matter as a jest. Mr. Morrison is really very 
angry this morning. Some day there will be a real 
crash. 

Stan — (ruefully) It seems the crash is here right 
now. 

Dorothy — But why do you treat your work so 
lightly? You know there are thousands of young men 
who would give much to have the opportunities that you 
have here. 

Stan — (looking dubiously at door R) I wish one of 
them had the job right now — for about ten minutes. 

Dorothy — Why don't you try to make something 
of yourself — to be a leader in the world of business; to 
be pointed out as one of the successful men of the day? 

Stan — (shakes head) Doesn't produce a ghost of a 
thrill. 

Dorothy — (hopelessly) Then there is absolutely 
nothing you care about? 

Stan — Until a month ago, nothing. In fact, at that 
time I was thinking seriously of handing in my resigna- 
tion to Morrison and Morrison. 



The Backfire 13 



Dorothy — (surprised) Why? 

Stan — I didn't like my employers. I couldn't stand 
Morrison's tantrums and, I'm almost ashamed to say it, 
I detest Dorothy Morrison. 

Dorothy — (rising half way in her chair in aston- 
ishment, then sitting again quickly. Agitated.) Why — 
why — what has she to do with it? 

Stan — Dorothy Morrison owns a large interest in 
this business. Morrison, our amiable employer, is her 
uncle and he manages both interests, while aristocratic 
Dorothy enjoys herself at the various resorts. Right 
now, she's at Atlantic City. 

Dorothy — (hiding her agitation) But — but, I did- 
n't know you had ever met Dorothy Morrison. 

Stan — I never have. But I've read and heard 
enough of her. Every paper I pick up I find columns de- 
voted to her extravagances. Dorothy Morrison gives 
gorgeous reception in the Morrison mansion; Dorothy 
Morrison sails for Europe; Dorothy Morrison everywhere 
I look. And do you know, Miss Gray, that is why we are 
working here: to support her in these gorgeous social 
triumphs. 

Dorothy — (carefully) And — and, you've never seen 
her? 

Stan — Just once, about a month ago. She came 
down here to the office one day — about a day or two be- 
fore you started to work here — in a Packard car like a 
Persian princess; chauffeur, footmen and all accessor- 
ies; sailed through the office without condescending to 
look right or left — in fact she took pains to veil her face 
as she went through. 

Dorothy — I often feel sorry for these wealthy peo- 
ple. Everybody hates them. I imagine she must be 
miserable. 

Stan — Not she. She doesn't condescend to give 
people like you and me even a passing thought. 



14 The Backfire 



Dorothy — Then I suppose you are absolutely hope- 
less. Nothing seems to interest you. 

Stan — I said a month ago I had no incentive. 

Dorothy — And has a miracle happened within the 
month to make you change your mind? 

Stan — Yes, the greatest miracle of the age. Then 
you started to work here. 

Dorothy — (laughs) It's impossible to be angry 
with you. But, seriously, Mr. Royson, did you ever take 
yourself to task? Did you ever pin yourself down to 
the question, "am I a success or am I a failure?" 

Stan — Yes, I have. 

Dorothy — And what was the unbiased verdict? 

Stan — I'm a failure, of course. 

Dorothy — You admit you're a failure and yet you 
sit back actionless? 

Stan — (avkwardhj) Miss Gray, you do have a way 
of making a fellow feel like a schoolboy taking a licking. 

Dorothy — When you were off to college you prob- 
ably took part in athletic meets — perhaps you were a 
member of the football squad, or the baseball team. 

Stan — {becoming interested) I should say. Why, 
our football team won the intercollegiate championship. 

Dorothy — Did you ever have a man on your team 
who, at the beginning of the season was full of enthusi- 
asm, pep an(J energy, eager to be in the fray; but when 
the first enthusiasm had spent itself, when the team was 
in need of pluck, energy, resourcefulness, and grit, sud- 
denly lost interest in the struggle, lapsed into a condi- 
tion of coma, and made his team mates bear the brunt 
of the struggle? 

Stan — By Jove, you've described Buck Horner to a 
"t"! Buck was a great football player, but we had to 
get rid of him; he just simply had no grit. Buck was 
once a great friend of mine, too, but when he showed up 
so spineless in that final game, friendship turned into 
contempt. 



The Backfire 15 



Dorothy — (eagerly) But don't you see, your course 
is infmitely more contemptuous than Buck Hornar's was. 
Those football games were play; whether you won or 
whether you lost, exerted no great or lasting influence 
on your life. But what Buck Horner did in a trivial con- 
test, you are doing in the big contest of life. The first 
glamor and enthusiasm has left you, the struggle has 
grown tiresome, the goal seems so far away ; so like Buck 
Horner, you have decided to let your teammates carry 
the burden of the struggle, and quit. 

Stan — By Jove, Miss Gray, you do make it sound 
bad. 

DoROTViY'—^ earnestly) Please forgive me for talk- 
ing so plainly, but I do so want to awaken you to your 
real possibilities. Mr. Morrison is paying you $250 a 
mcn^h. Is that a salary for a man who has a reputation 
as being one of the best stock and bond e-perts in the 
city of New York? Every man who has not reached the 
very height of his possibilities is a failure. A sewer dig- 
ger may be a success; that may have been the height of 
his possibilities; the govarnor of a state may be a fail- 
ure, for by greater effort he r^ight have been president. 

Stan — (grimly) And what do you think my possi- 
bilities are? 

Dorothy — (tvith conviction) You're a better man 
than Hodgson : he's making $8,000 a year. You're a bet- 
ter m.an than Blake; he's making $12,000. You're a bet- 
ter roan than Masters; he's making $15,000. 

Stan — (astonished) And, by comparison I should 
be making — 

Dorothy — Until you are making $20,000 a year, Mr. 
Royson, I shall be disappointed in you. 

•Stan — (stunned) And I'm making $3,000 now. 
Whew!! 

Dorothy — But you haven't been trying. You've 
been drifting with the tide. You can do it. I know you 
can. 



16 The Backfire 



Stan — (rising) By Jove, Miss Gray, you almost 
make me believe it myself. I have been a slacker. I had 
given up hope. But you have put a new spirit into me. 
I told you I had no incentive. I have one now. From 
now on, I'm going to make a real fight, with your appro- 
val as the final goal. 

Dorothy — (Rises. Impidsively) And you'll win, 
too, Mr. Royson, I know you'll win. 

{Bell rings violently off stage.) 

Stan — {Rushes to door L) Billie! Billie! {Hur- 
ries to door C.) Billie! (Excitedly.) Now, where in 
thunder did that chump go? Billie! 

Billie — (hurrying in L.) What's all the row about? 

Stan — (starts pushing him off R.) Your bell rang. 
{Bell rings violently again.) Don't you hear it? Hurry 
up! 

Billie — I heard it, all right. Why don't you answer 
it? 

{Bell rings violently again.) 

Stan — (grimly) Billie, if you don't answer that 
bell in about two seconds, I'll punch your head for you. 

Billie — Well, if he murders me, you're responsible 
for it. I'm going to tell him you're here. (Billie starts 
for door R, loses courage, starts back. Bell rings again. 
Billie hurries off R.) 

Stan — (wipes forehead ivith handkerchief) Talk 
about the monotony of business. A month's work in 
this office would make Chateau Thiery seem like a game 
of ping pong. 

Dorothy — (excitedly) Billie is going to tell him 
that you have come. He'll insist on seeing you, now. 

Stan — I'm afraid he will. 

Dorothy — But what are you going to do? 

Stan — (resignedly) I'll call up all the hospitals. 

{Enter Billie, R, excitedly.) 



The Backfire 17 



BiLLiE — Here he comes, Stan. Is your insurance 
paid up? I'm going to get out of the line of fire. {Exit, 
L, hurriedly.) 

Stan — {pacing hack and forth excitedly. Finally 
places himself left of desk L, so that desk is between 
himself and Morrison's door) You'd better get out of 
the line of fire, too, Miss Gray. I'm afraid he isn't going 
to be very choicy about his language.- 

Dorothy — (excitedly) Can't you think of some way 
that I might help you out? 

Stan — (looking nervously at door R) I'm beyond 
human help this time. {Gulps nervously) Look out, 
here he comes. 

(Tense pause. All stand staring expectantly at door 
R. Enter Morrison, R. He stands in doorway glaring 
at Stan, who nervously edges farther around table.) 

Morrison — {furiously) So ! 

Stan — (Tugs at collar, gidps nervously G-good 
morning. 

Morrison — So ! ! 

Dorothy — (appealinghj) Mr. Morrison, it really 
wasn't Mr. Royson's fault, he — 

Morrison — (thunderingly) Silence. Leave the 
room until I finish this business with this young scape- 
goat. 

(Dorothy starts for door R, then stops, looking ap^ 
pealingly at Morrison. Exit quickly R.) 

Morrison — So! You have decided hereafter your 
office hours shall be from twelve to four. 

Stan — No, — sir, I — 

Morrison — Tell me, sir, what do you mean by pre- 
senting yourself at this office at twelve o'clock? 

Stan — (looks at watch. Apologetically) I — I've 
got eleven-forty. 

Morrison — Answer me, sir, what do you mean by 
these disgraceful actions? 



18 The Backfire 



Stan — {talking rapidly) I started off for the of- 
fice this morning in plenty of time, but — 

Morrison — SILENCE ! I'll give you to understand, 
young man, that this thing is going to stop right here 
and now. When your father asked me to take you into 
this office, I thought I could make a man out of you. 
Man! Bah! You never will grow up into a man; man- 
hood means character, will power. You're a drifter with 
the tide. Do you realize that, sir? 

Stan — Yes, sir, but you see, that carburetor — 

Morrison — For nine years I've worked with you, 
trying to make something out of you. What is the re- 
sult? You come down to work at noon. To make some- 
thing out of anyone you must have something to start 
with. For nine years I've been working on a chunk of 
clay. 

Stan — Well, you see, that carburetor — 

Morrison — (furiously) Carburetor! Carbure-tor ! ! 
Don't you ever think of anything but pleasure? And, do 
you realize, that today is the day we are to put over that 
American Fur deal? And on this day you come down 
to work at noon. Oh, will this country ever produce any- 
thing but young fools! Imbeciles and fools! 

Stan — {gathering courage) If you'll let me ex- 
plain — 

Morrison — (violently) Get out all the data we have 
on American Fur right away, before I lose my temper 
and forget that this is supposed to be a civilized coun- 
try. 

Stan — I'm sorry, but I can't go in with you — 

Morrison — Well, what are you standing there for? 
{Sarcastically.) Or perhaps you prefer to rest after 
your morning's exertions, and carry this out at some 
more convenient time. 

Stan — No, sir. You see, I don't think I — er — I care 
to handle that transaction at all. 



The Backfire 19 



Morrison — What ! ! 

Stan — I — er — don't tliink I care to go in on that 
deal. 

Morrison — You don't care to go in. You don't care. 
And since when, young man, has it become necessary 
for yo^i to make any decisions in this office? 

Stan — I don't like the general aspect of this prop- 
osition. 

Morrison — Is it any different from dozens of oth- 
ers we have handled this year? 

Stan — No, sir — but — 

Morrison— Then why the sudden Sunday School 
attitude? 

Stan — The truth of the matter is, I don't think the 
proposition a fair one. Nearly every deal we have hand- 
led this year had for its ultimate object the robbing of 
the public. 

Morrison — Can you cite anything we have done 
within the past year that was not strictly within the 
law? 

Stan — No, sir. We were legally right, but morally 
wrong. 

Morrison — And is that your decision — that here- 
after you refuse to take part in any transaction that 
does not come up to the standard of your newly acquired 
Sunday School conscience? 

Stan — I'm afraid it is, sir. 

Morrison — (leans across table, shakes fist furiously 
at Stan.) So this is how you repay me for all the pains 
I have taken to make something out of you! So this is 
m.y reward for all I have done for you ! Get your things 
together and get out of here by noon or I'll instruct the 
janitor to have you thrown out, you young whippersnap- 
per. In other words, if that isn't plain enough for you, 
you're discharged; DISCHARGED! 

(Exit Morrison, furiously, R.) 



20 The Backfire 



{Enter Dorothy, R, hurriedly.) 

Dorothy — Oh, Mr. Royson, I'm so sorry. 

Stan — (looking around at door R, nervously) Is — 
is he g'one? 

Dorothy — Yes. What are you going to do now? 

Stan — (starting toward door L, nervously) I'm 
going to get out of here before he comes back. 

Dorothy — He went out to lunch. He won't be back 
for an hour. 

Stan — (taking no chances) Are you sure? 

Dorothy — Yes. 

Stan — (with relieved sigh) Did you hear the erup- 
tion? 

Dorothy — I — I couldn't help hearing part of it. 

Stan — No — I don't think you could. Vesuvius in 
full eruption couldn't hold a candle to Morrison when he 
shoots off. 

Dorothy — (Provoked) But I'm so sorry it hap- 
pened. 

Stan — Why be sorry? What's done is done. Do you 
know, I'm actually glad? 

Dorothy — (astonished) Glad! 

Stan — (enthusiastically) Yes. Just think; I won't 
have to work for Dorothy Morrison any more. 

Dorothy — (coldly) Yes, that is something. 

Stan — (with increasing enthusiasm) And, now, 
I'm going to look for that $20,000 job; I'm going to 
show you that I'm not really as bad as you think I am. 
Why, don't you see. Miss Gray, this is just the best 
thing on earth that could have happened to me? 

Dorothy — (eagerly) You really are going to try 
now? 

Stan — Of course. From now on the world is cre- 
ated just for the purpose of providing a $20,000 job for 
me. And I'll find it ,too. And when I have found it, I'll 



The Backfire 21 



come back to you — {changing abruptly.) Do you know, 
I'm beginning to think I'll miss this old office when I'm 
gone. 

Dorothy — I'm sure you will. It must seem like 
home to you. 

Stan — Oh, it isn't that. It's only within the past 
month that I've discovered what a really attractive place 
this office is. 

DOROTPIY — Only within the past month? 

Stan — Yes. That's when you started to work here. 

Dorothy — (laughs) Am I to understand, Mr. Roy- 
son, that I am being made love to? 

Stan — That is the impression I would receive if I 
were in your place. 

Dorothy — (lightly) What a shame that such a 
charming romance should be shattered so soon. 

Stan — Oh, but it isn't going to be shattered. 

(Pho7ie rings. Stan picks up receiver.) 

Stan — Hello. (Pause.) Who? (Pause.) Stanley 
Royson? I'm sorry, but Mr. Royson is engaged in some 
very important business right now and can't speak to 
you. Goodbye. (Hangs receiver.) (To Dorothy.) No, 
indeed, this romance is not going to be shattered. 

Dorothy — (lightly) No? 

Stan— No, indeed. I'm going to find that $20,000 
job right in this block; it's necessary to find it in this 
block, so I can take you out to lunch every day. 

Dorothy^ — How romantic! 

Stan — And then every evening I'll come over here 
and drive you home. By the way, knowing where you 
live might come in handy. 

Dorothy — (embarrassed) Why — er — you see, I'm 
staying with several friends right now. 

Stan — Oh, that's all right. Where do your friends 
live? 



22 The Backfire 



(Enter Harry and Grace, C.) 

Grace — Well, here we are and all ready to go. (Sees 
Dorothy; stops in spellbound astonishment.) Why, Dor- 
othy — (Dorothy hurriedly puts her hand to her lips to 
keep her quiet.) 

Stan — Oh, Grace and Harry. Come and meet the 
latest and most charming addition to the Morrison force. 
Miss Gray, this is Miss Mansur and this is Mr. Langdon. 

Dorothy — (looks m.eaningly at Grace to keep her 
quiet.) I'm glad to meet any friends of Mr. Royson. 

Harry — So this is the young lady who exercises the 
phenomenal power of handling the bear in his tantrums. 
I've heard old Morrison is as quiet as a lamb when you 
step into the arena. 

Grace — I — I don't think I heard Stan correctly. Did 
I hear you say Miss Gray? 

Stan — Miss Dorothy Gray. And now I'm going to 
leave you to Miss Gray's tender mercies while I perform 
a few obsequies. I'll be back in a few minutes as soon 
as I can collect all the paraphernalia in this office that be- 
longs to me. 

Grace — (aside to Harry, hurriedly) Harry go out 
with Stan. I want to see Miss — Miss Gray alone for a 
few minutes. 

Harry — Wait a minute, Stan. I'll go with you. Ex- 
cuse me, will you, ladies? (Exeunt Stan and Harry, L.) 

Grace — (hurries over to Dorothy) Why, Dorothy 
Morrison, what does this mean? 

Dorothy — (quickly, looking around cautiously) Sh! 
Not so loud or you'll spoil everything. 

Grace — But what in the world are you doing here? 
Everybody believes that you are at Atlantic City. 

Dorothy — I gave out that story to explain my ab- 
sence from home. 

Grace — And under an assumed name, too. What 
on earth are you up to? 



The Backfire 23 



Dorothy — Listen, Grace. I was just simply bored 
to death with things in general. I couldn't become inter- 
ested in anything that was going on. I wanted some- 
thing different from anything that I had ever had before. 
So I hit upon the brilliant idea of going to work. 

Grace — Work! Dorothy Morrison work! Well, 
that was a brilliant idea. 

Dorothy— You know I have an interest in this bus- 
iness, so I asked Uncle Bruce to take me in with him. He 
refused me outright. So I very promptly told him that 
unless I worked for him I would go out into the city and 
work for someone else. At that he grudgingly consented 
to take me, so here I am. 

Grace — And you have been working here all that 
time, wble neonle thought you were enjoying yourself 
at Atlantic City? 

Dorothy — For two whole months. And, Grace, I'm 
having the tim.e of my life. 

Grace — You don't mean to say you really like it! 

I)on07BY-—{€nthusiastico2ly) Do you knov/ business 
is the most fascinating experience I've had in all my 
life? I've met more real live men within the past two 
months than I've seen in the past twenty years. 

Grace — But think of the consequences, Dorothy. 
Stan Royson is hopelessly in love with you right now, I 
hear. 

Dorothy — (laughing) In love with me? I wish you 
could have heard his description of Dorothy Morrison, 
this morning. Why Grace, Stan Royson detests the very 
ground I walk on. 

Grace — (pointedly) And what does he think of 
Dorothy Gray? Is the ground she treads equally detest- 
able? 

Dorothy — In two weeks he'll have forgotten that 
such a person as Dorothy Gray ever existed. For he 
leaves the office today. 

Grace — (surprised) Stan — leaving? 



24 The Backfire 

Dorothy — Yes. Mr. IV^orrison discharged him a few 
minutes ago. But {looks around cautiously) I'm afraid 
we'll be disturbed here. Come with me into Mr. Morri- 
son's sanctum sanctorum, and I'll explain the whole mat- 
ter to you. (Exeunt Grace and Dorothy, R.) 

(Billie peeps cautiously in door C. Then he tiptoes 
carefully in and listens at door R.) 

Billie — Hm! Storm sef;ms to be over. I wonder 
what he did with Stan when he finished with him. 

(Enter Winnie, C.) 

Winnie — (cheerfully) Well, Billie, I'm all ready 
for lunch. 

Billie — (quickly putting hand over her mouth) Sh! 
Do you w^ant to start it all over again ? 

Winnie — (mystified) Start what? 

Billie — A new war. Morrison's on one of his tan- 
trums and Stan was the first victim ; you'll be next if you 
aren't careful. 

Winnie — Is that all ? I thought you were used, to 
Morrison's tantrums by now. 

Billie — (looking under table) I can't understand 
what he did v/ith Stan. Maybe he threw him out of the 
hall window. 

W^INNIE — Why, weren't you here to see the fight? 

Billie — I should say not. As soon as Morrison 
started for Stan I decided discretion was the better part 
of valor and got out of the line of fire. 

Winnie — Well, I suppose he'll get over it. What in 
the world are you doing with all those papers? Selling 
the city of New York? 

Billie — (disgustedly) Worse than that. I've been 
trying to figure out how to make that $5,000 a year. 

Winnie — Well, how is it coming? 

Billie — Rotten. The only way I know of to m.ake 
$5,000 is to buy a dark lantern and mask and go out 
some dark night and get it. 



The Backfire 25 



Winnie — Well, that's an idea. In about twenty 
years, when you get out, you can have a great time on 
that money. 

BiLLiE — {comvhmiingly) Why does your father 
pick on me like this? I've never robbed a bank, or been 
in jail but once — 

Winnie — Nor havr:! you astounded the world with 
brilliant achievements, either, Billie. 

BiLLiE — But why doesn't he give me time? You 
don't know but what some day I'll make Henry Ford, 
Thomas Edison and the rest of that gang look like a 
bunch of pikers. I've had a poor start but there will be 
brass bands at the finish. 

Winnie —Well, it's about time you were started, 
then. So what's the first move? 

Billie — 1 don't know. T had it all figured out on 
paper, that by working all day and all night and Sundays 
I could do it, except for one thing. 

Winnie — And what was that? 

Billie — There aren't enough days in the month. 

{Enter Harry, L.) 

Harry — Well, what's the idea of all the weighty 
ponderance? Somebody dead? 
Billie — Yes, your brains. 
Harry — Good, Billie. we'll have a double funeral. 

Winnie — Billie's been squandering all the station- 
ery in the office working on his $5,000 job. Have you had 
any bright ideas yet? 

Billie — {sarcastically) Harry only had one idea in 
all his life, and he had double fracture of the brain in 
getting that one. 

Harry — Winnie, do you want to be an old maid? 

Winnie — Not if I can help it. 

Billie — Nor I, 



26 The Backfire 



Harry — Then, for your own good, for heaven's sake 
go out and find another man. For when Gabriel blows his 
horn Billie will still be looking for that $5,000 job. 

BiLUE — (vindictively) Is that so? Well, I'll just 
show you now, that I can make $5,000 a year. 

(Enter Stan, L. He is carrying several books in one 
arm and a gabardine in the other.) 

Winnie — Why, Billie, here's Stan now, and he does- 
n't seem to have any bones broken, either. Where are 
your crutches, Stan? From Billie's description of what 
happened between you and Mr. Morrison, you should 
have three or four surgeons working on you right now. 

Stan — (laying books and gabardine on desk R.) I 
managed to keep a desk between us so he couldn't get 
at me. Otherwise I'd have three or four undertakers 
working on me. 

Harry — (pointing to clothes Stan has brought in 
with hiyn) Going to open a clothing store, Stan? 

Stan — Don't know yet, but I'm open to suggestions. 

BiLLTE — What's the idea of the mobilization? 

Stan — The idea is — I'm. fired. 

Billie "] 

UfiRED!! 

WinnieJ 

Stan — Fired, discharged, canned, expelled. In other 
words I was told the firm of Morrison and Morrison 
could flounder along in the sea of business without the 
assistance of my able guiding hand. 

Billie — (in astonishment) But you really aren't 
fired? 

Stan — That's the impression I received when the 
gentleman told me to either get out or be thrown out. 

Winnie — (astonished) But you've been with this 
firm ever since you were a boy! 

Stan — Nevertheless the impression remains fixed in 



The Backfire 27 



my mind that that is the idea he wished to convey. So, 
now I'll have to conjure up another job. 

Harry — You haven't anything on Billie and me. We 
have to find a five thousand dollar a year job. 

Stan — (shcuts) $5,000 a year! Great Scott, man, 
I have to find a $20,000 a year job. 

Winnie — (dazed) $20,000 a year! It went up 
$10,000! 

Billie — ?20,000; in one little short year!! 

Stan — Exactly. 

Harry — {whistles) $20,000! Five thousand was 
bad enough, but twenty thousand — why, Great Scott, 
Stan, I'll wager Morrison doesn't make $20,000 a year, 
himself. 

Stan — (easily) Oh, yes, he does. Or rather he did. 

Harry — But what are you going to do? 

Stan — Search me. By the way, that clothing sug- 
gestion of yours wasn't half bad. 

Billie — (sarcastically) Yes, you'd make a fine 
clothing dealer. You don't know the difference between 
a Prince Albert coat and a pair of pajamas. 

WiiSiKiE— -(seriously) No, Stan, you must stay in 
the stock and bond business. I've heard any number of 
people say you are the best stock and bond man in the 
city. 

Stan — Well, as 1 said before, all suggestions will be 
duly appreciated. 

Harry — Tell us about the row. Perhaps it isn't as 
bad as you think it is. 

Stan — It isn't, eh? I wish you had been there. But 
to tell the truth, I've been thinking of quitting Morrison 
and Morrison for the past six months. 

Billie — Well, of all the darned fools! What for? 

Stan — Because Morrison has been handling trans- 
actions, which, while strictly within the law, were mor- 
ally v/rong. 



28 The Backfire 



Harry — And I thought old Morrison was a crank on 
honesty. 

Stan — So you see Morrison and I will have to wend 
our weary ways in opposite directions. In the mean- 
time it will give all of my friends a chance to suggest 
some nice, snappy business with which I can astound 
the world. 

Harry — (grivning) Manufacture mouse traps. 
That's a nice, snappy business. 

BiLLiE — I've got a hard enough time trying to find 
a $5,000 job for myself without worrying about yours. 

Stan — You're next, Winnie. You and I seem to 
have a corner on all the brains in this room. 

Winnie — (thinking) Why can't three of you go 
into some business together? 

BiLhiE-^ (enthusiastically) That's the stuff — brains, 
youth — why we could m.ake a killing. 

Harry — All right, let's get busy right now. No 
time like the present. What kind of business shall we go 
into? 

BiLLiE — The aeroplane business. That's in its in- 
fancy. We can get in on the ground floor and build aero- 
planes. 

Stan — But none of us know anything about aero- 
planes. 

Harry — And it takes millions of dollars to go into 
that business. 

Winnif — And years and years to establish a repu- 
tation. 

BiLLiE— Oh, I— I didn't think of that. 

Harry — (in disgust) That was a fine idea! Here- 
after we'll appreciate silence from you. 

Winnie — But we must think of something. (AU 
stand in deep thought.) 

Stan — (thoughtfully) I've had an idea for several 
days — (All crowd around Stan eagerly.) 



The Backfire 29 



BiLLiE — {eanerhi) A business that we can make 
$5,000 a year out of? 

Winnie — What is it, Stan? 

Harry — (pz(shing the others back) Don't crowd; 
don't crowd. Give him room to think. 

Stan — Listen. I've been in the stock and bond 
brokerage business for the past ten years. If anyone 
ever knew this business I ought to. 

Winnie — Yes, yes. 

Stan — W^ell, here's the bright idea. Why can't we 
three go into the stock and bond business in opposition 
to Morrison? 

(Dramatic paiise, then quick action.) 

W^INNIE — I believe Stan has hit it. 

Harry — (all r.nthnsiasm) That's the stuff. Start 
a rival concern and put Morrison out of business. 

BiLLiE — I can see myself depositing my first five 
thousand in the bank right now. 

Stan — But would it be right after working for 
Morrison as long as I have to start a business in direct 
opposition to him? 

Harry — He fired you, didn't he? 

Winnie — And surely you have a right to exercise 
your talents in the line of least resistance. 

Billte — Sure! Survival of the fittest. That's my 
motto. 

Harry — And, then too, you said he was crooked. 

Stan — He's so crooked he needs a corrugated bed to 
sleep on. 

BiLLiE — {all enthusiasm) Come on. Let's get 
started right away. 

Stan — But wait — where's the money coming from? 

BiLLiE — Money? V\Tiat money? 

Stan— The money with which to start business. 

Harry — (blankly) Do you need money to do it? 



30 The Backfire 



Stan — Of course. And lots of it. Did you imagine 
they played the market v/ith marbles? 

BiLLiE — {resignedly) There goes another good 
idea. I wish some one would come along some day and 
invent som.e kind of business that didn't need money. 

Winnie — But isn't there some way in which you 
could raise funds? 

Stan — How? 

Harry — How? 

BiLLiE — {suddenly} Wait. Suppose we did raise 
enough money to start this company, could we say, each 
make about $5,000 a year out of it? 

Stan— $5,000 ! Why, I've got to make $20,000 a year 
out of it. 

BiLLiE — And there is a chance that we might make 
that much a year? 

Stan — Nothing is impossible. 

BiLLiE — And Winnie, you don't think your father 
will change his mind about that $5,000 a year business? 

Winnie — Not until Gibralter crumbles. 

BiLi.iE — Then rent the office. We're going into bus- 
iness. 

Stan — And do business with ideas? 

BiLLiE — No. Listen; I've got another idea. 

Harry — Is it any better than the last one? 

EiLLiE — On my twenty-first birthday I inherit 
$8,000. I think I can borrow $2,000 more from Dad. Stan 
ought to have about $10,000 and so ought Harry, if he 
hasn't squandered it within the past two years. 

Stan — {quickly) By Jove! That ivould make thirty- 
thousand dollars. 

Harry — And thirty thousand dollars is not to be 
sneered at. 

Winnie — But would that be enough to start with? 

Stan — I believe we could. If Harry and Billie can 



The Backfire 31 



raise their share of the money. 

Harry — I've got mine. 

BiLLiE — And I'll get mine. 

Stan — By Jove! I believe we can do it. 

Harry- — With Stan as president, and I'll be vice 
president. 

BiLLiE — Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Where do 
I come in on those jobs? 

Harry — Oh, we'll let you be office boy. 

(Enter- Dorothy and Grace, R.) 

Winnie — (eagerly) Oh. Grace, Miss Gray, come 
here. Got a big secret to tell you. 

Grace — A secret? 

BiLLiE — (enthusiastically) Yes. Guess what. Stan, 
Harry and I are going into business. 

Dorothy — Into buiness? 

Harry — And we're going to make five thousand dol- 
lars a year. 

Stan— (correcting him) $20,000 a year, Harry. 

Winnie — Won't it be wonderful? 

Dorothy — But I don't understand. Where are you 
going into business? 

BiLLiE — (importantly) Oh, we haven't picked our 
place of business yet. 

Stan — Oh, yes, we have, Billie. Don't you remem- 
ber the board of directors decided we will establish right 
here in this block. 

BiLLiE — I must have been figuring profits when that 
happened. 

Grace — But what kind of business are you going 
into? 

Harry — The only business we know anything about. 
The— 

Stan — (quickly interrupting) Oh, but that would 
be divulging a business secret. At the last executive ses- 



32 The Backfire 



sion of our board of directors it was decided that no in- 
formation should be given regarding the company's bus- 
iness until business cp.erations are begun. You remem- 
ber that, don't you, Billie? 

BiLLiE — (niystifierl) I guess I must have been ab- 
sent from that meeting. 

Winnie — But Stan, you can't start in business here. 
There are no suitable offices vacant. 

Stan — Then we'll have to build some. The future 
president of this company has already signed a contract 
with Miss Gray to take her out to lunch every day, which 
will make it absolutely necessary that he do business in 
this vicinity. 

Dorothy — {laughs) And has your board given 
that weighty matter favorable consideration? 

Stan — (signifi,cantly) They will, or — there will be 
a new board of directors. 

Grace— But you don't mean to say that you really 
and truly are going into" business? 

Harry — Absolutely. We're going to show them 
what a real com.pany looks like. 

BiLLiE — Sure. Rugs on the floors — 

Winnie — Curtains on the windows — 

BiLLiE — And don't forget the most impotrant part 
of all : cigars for the hard-working officers. 

Harry — Of course. But the office boy wouldn't 
come in on those. 

Grace— And of course, you'll always have a box of 
candy handy for your lady callers. 

Stan — Perhaps we might serve tea even,^ afternoon 
too. 

Billie — And then all go to the matinee after that. 

Dorothy — (langhs) Wonderful. But when are you 
going to do business? 



The Backfire 33 



Stan — Business. Oh, yes, we forgot all about that. 
Oh, we'll do a little business when we haven't anything 
else to do. 

BiLLiE — Oh, yes, and then the board of directors de- 
cided that Winnie should help us arrange the office, did- 
n't they, Stan? 

Stan — That must have happened at a meeting when 
/ was absent . How about you, Harry? 

Harry — I must have been absent, too. 

BiLLiE — Oh, I was the only director present at that 
meeting. (All laugh.) 

Grace— Oh, Harry, T already see visions of a* won- 
derful company, with you making about $20,000 a year. 

Harry — Wait a minute. $5,000 is enough to start 
with. That's the height of my ambition right now. 

Wjnnie — And, Billie, what is the height of your 
ambition ? 

Billie — $5,000 a year — and Winnie. (All laugh.) 

Dorothy — And you, Mr. Royson. Will this company 
realize your ambitions? 

Stan — You bet it will. I'm going to make that 
$20,000 and— 

Dorothy — Yes — and — 

Stan — (enthusiastically) — and just think. At last 
I'll be rid of Dorothy Morrison. 

Grace — ( horrified) Stan ! ! 



CURTAIN 



34 The Backfire 



ACT 11. 

Scene 1. 

Office of Royson mid Co7npany. 

Doors Right, Left and Center. Table desk R, table 
desk L, and also center. Phon? on Center desk. Filing 
cabinets; stock ticker to right of door C. Chair at each 
desk and one or two others. Box of ciqars on desk R: 
This scene should be tasteful but not elaborate. 

Time — Owe month later. 

As curtain rises Billie is discovered at desk R, deeply 
engrossed in some vrohlem.. He has puffed himself into 
a cloud of smoke. 

{Enter Harry, L.) 

Harry — (watching Billie for a feto moments.) 
What's the idea of the five pencils, Billie? 

Billie — I need five pencils for this job. 

Harry — Some job! What are you doing? 

Billie — Figuring how much income tax I'll have to 
pay when I make five thousand dollars a year. 

Harry — Fine. Figure mine, too, while you're at it. 

Billie — What are you going to do with your first 
five thousand? 

Harry — Buy out Rockefeller's interest in Standard 
Oil. What are you going to do with yours? 

Billie — Buy out Winnie's dad's interest in Winnie. 

Harry — Where are the books of this company? I 
want to see how much profit we've made so far. 

Billie — Books? This company doesn't keep books. 
I had enough of that at Morrison's. 

Harry — Of course we keep books. The Secretary is 
supposed to handle them. 



The Backfire 35 



BiLLiE — (sarcastically) Is that so? And what, may 
I ask, is the Vice President supposed to do? 

Harry — Oh, he's supposed to see to it that the Sec- 
retary does it right. 

BiLLTE — Before we try to keep books, we'd better 
get some business to use the books on, 

Harry— Funny we aren't getting any business. 

BiLLiE — (sarcastically) Yes, isn't it? 

Harry — Where's Stan ? 

BiLLTE — Still investigating that Pan American Su- 
gar tip that Morrison gave us. 

Harry — Mighty decent of old Morry to help us out 
like that. 

BiLLiE — I say it was. Pm strong for Morry now. 
When he gave us the tip that that stock was going to 
boom you could have knocked m.e over with a feather. 

Harry — It's been two days now since we bought. 
That stock ought to be going up soon now. 

BiLLiE — Give it time. Give it time. You can't ex- 
pect to make five thousand dollars in two or three days. 

(Phone rings on center desk . Harry walks over 
and picks up receiver.) 

Harry ~(mfo mouthpiece) Hello! * * Yes, Roy- 
son and Company. * ^' Wait just a moment. (Holds 
hand over mouthpiece. To Billie.) Here's a bird wants 
some information about stocks. What will I do? Tell 
him the brain of the company is out? 

Billie — Not on your life. Find out what he wants 
to know and then ask me. 

Harry — (scathingly) You! You know a lot about 
stocks. 

Billie — Huh! I ought to. Pve owned about all the 
bad ones. 

Harry — (into phone) All right. What particular 
stock did you want to know about? * * Just a mo- 
ment. (To Billie.) Bainbridge Texas Irrigation Co. 



36 The Backfire 



BiLLiE — No good — watered. 

Harry — (into phone) No good. Watered. Any 
more? * * Just a moment. (To Billie.) Black- 
more Undertaking Co. 

Billie — Dead. 

Harry — Dead. Anything else? (Pause. To Billie.) 
Now he wants to know if we can suggest some booming 
concern for investment. 

Billie — Sure. Hamilton Fireworks Co. Their bus- 
iness is always booming. 

Harry — (into phone) Hamilton Fireworks Co. * 
* Yes, sir. They do a very booming business. * * 
Goodbye. 

(Enter Stan, quickly.) 

Stan — (briskly) All right "And Company." Let's 
have a meeting of the Board of Directors. 

Billie — Good. Wait till I bring the cigars. 

(Stan sits at desk C. Billie stands to right and 
Harry to left of desk.) 

Harry — You don't mean to say we're actually going 
to start doing business? 

Stan— Fellows, I've got some bad news for you. 

Billie — So have I. Our cigars are running low. 

Harry — All right, Stan. I guess we can stand it. 
Let's have it all at once. 

Stan — We've just lost i/tree thousand dollars. 

Harry] 

— What!! 

BillieJ 

Stan — We've just lost three thousand dollars! 

Billie — (stunned) We've lost three thousand dol- 
lars ! ! 

Harry — But we can't afford to lose three thousand 
dollars. 



The Backfire 37 



Stan — People do lots of things nowadays they can't 
afford to do. 

BiLLiE — But. Stan, we didn't really lose three thou- 
sand dollars? 

Harry — Great Scott! How could we? We haven't 
fairly started yet. 

Stan — That tip Morrison gave us was bad. 

Btllie — You don't mean to say — 

Harry — Good Lord! Morrison surely wouldn't do 
a trick like that. 

Stan — Morrison knew that tip was bad when he 
gave it to us. He wanted to see us cleaned out. 

Harry — And he did it deliberately? 

Stan — Exactly. 

BiLLiE — And we lose three thousand dollars. 

Stan — And we lose three thousand dollars. 

{BilHe ivalhs over to desk R, picks up papers that 
he has been Hguring on, tears them in tivo and throwi 
into ivastepaper basket.) 

Harry — What's that you're tearing up, Billie? 

BiLLiE — {in deep disgust) Income tax on my Five 
Thousand dollar job. I don't need it now. 

Harry — Here's a new problem for you. If a firm 
loses three thousand dollars in two weeks, how much 
will it lose in a year? 

Stan — That isn't all the news I have. 

Bii.LiE — (vjith emphasis) You had a-plenty. I 
move we adjourn the meeting. 

Stan — But this is good news. 

Harry — Well, I think we might stand a little of 
that. 

Stan — I was a little afraid of that tip Morrison 
gave us, so instead of investing thirty thousand dollars, 
I risked only Five. 



The Backfire 



Harry — (ivhistles) Otherwise we should have lost 
eighteen thousand dollars? 

Stan — Exactly. 

BiLLiE — Good night! I'm going to get a job in 
some pickle factory. It's safer. 

Stan — No sooner I found out something was 
wrong I sold out. But before I could make a sale it 
dropped like a plummet. But I managed to save two 
thousand dollars of it. 

BiLLiE — That's some consolation. At that rate how 
how long is it going to take us to make five thousand? 

Stan — After I had sold out I was coming back to 
the office to break the sad news to you when I met old 
Money Bags Watson. He stopped me and askad me to 
go down to his office with him. I did so and he put a 
wonderful proposition up to us. 

BiLLiE — Another tip? My answer is "No" right 
away. 

Harry — And mine ditto. The next time we'll lose 
thirty thousand. 

Stan — Wait until you hear this proposition. Wat- 
son, Farrell, Carr and a half dozen others of the big 
guns of the financial district are trjang to get a corner 
on the stock of the General Fur Company. They agree 
to let us in on the deal provided I help them handle the 
transaction. 

BiLLiE — Yes. and I'll bet h. nickel Morrison has his 
feet in that deal somewhere, too. My answer is "No" 
with a capital N. 

Harr\ — What do you think of it, Stan^ 

Stan — (enfhiisiasfAcally) I think it's the chance 
of a lifetime. If we ever make a cleaning we ought to 
do it on this. Why, just think — Watson, Farrell, Rysing, 
Carr — all of the biggest financiers in the city, backing 
the deal. If we go wrong, they all go wrong. 

BiLLiE — {pessimistically) Yes, if we go wrong, we 
smash completely. If they go wrong, they go to their 



The Backfire 39 



bank ?nd draw out another million and try again. My 
answer is "no." 

SiAN — You're not backine: down already, Billie? 
Why, we haven't got a good start. 

BiLLiE---That's the trouble. Somebody threw our 
engine into reverse. 

Harry — If we don't risk anything, we never will 
get that five thousand dollars. So if you think it's all 
right, go ahead. 

Stan — And you, Billie? 

BiljLTE--Well, I think it's going to be a glorious fiz- 
zle. But since we've started, lof^ing our money we might 
as well get rid of the rest of it. So go ahead. (Billie 
walks over and sits at desk R.) 

Stan — Good! (Picks up receiver of phone.) John 
0247. 

BiLLiE^Well, if we smash I at least had some good 
smokes out of it. 

Stan — (into phone) Hello, Mr. Watson? * * 
This is Royson. * I talked over that matter with our 
board — 

Harry — Ahem ! 

Stan — And we have decided to go in with you. * 
* I'll be over in a few minutes to talk things over. 
(Hangs receiver.) (To Billie and Harry.) I hope you 
realize what that means. 

Billie — (pessimistically) Sure. It means pickle 
factory for me. 

Stan — It means that we invest every cent we own, 
about twenty seven thousand dollars, in that deal, and 
if they win, we win, and if they lose — 

Harry] 

^We smash! 
■ 

Stan —Good. Now, I'll run over to Watson and 
complete the arrangements. (Starts for door C.) 



40 The Backfire 



BiLLiE— Wait a minute, Stan. Take a cigar before 
you go. We won't be able to afford them after this. 

Stan — That's true, too. So I'll take a couple of 
them. {Exit C.) 

(Billie sits at desk R, Harry at desk L, both in atti- 
tude of extreme dejection.) 

Harry — {glumly) Three thousand dollars! 

BiLLiE — Whoever suggested this fool company in 
the first place? 

(Both sit in gloomy silence. Enter Winnie, C. She 
stands looking at them for a few moments, then ad^ 
vances down stage, looking from one to the other.) 

Winnie — Who's dead? 

BiLLiE — Our company . 

Winnie — (in surprise) Why, what's the trouble? 

Harry — isarcasticnlly) Oh, nothing. We just fin- 
ished losing three thousand dollars. 

Winnie — Three thousand dollars! In two weeks? 

BiLLiE — Certainly. Didn't I tell you that when we 
got started we'd be figuring in thousands and ten thou- 
sands? Well — we've started. 

Winnie — But, how could you? You've just begun. 

Harry — Oh, we took a flying start. One of our 
kind friends gave us a tip. One of the "Won't you come 
into my parlor" variety, and we broke our necks going 
in. 

Winnie — WTiat does Stan think of it? 

BiLLiE — Didn't feaze him a bit. He has already fig- 
ured out another scheme to lose the rest of it. 

Winnie — W>11, you're certainly cheerful about it. 

Harry— Watson, Farrell, and the rest of the big 
financial guns are starting a bull movement on a certain 
corporation, and they agreed to let us in on the deal, pro- 
vided Stan v/ould help manage the deal for them. 

BiLLiE — {sarcastically) Nice of them, wasn't it? 



The Backfire 41 



Winnie — But if Stan thinks it's good, it may be all 
right 

BiLLlH — Yes, and it may be all wrong. Say, Winnie, 
would you marry a fellow who worked in a pickle fac- 
tory? 

Winnie — I'll marry the first fellow who comes 
along who has brains enough to make five thousand dol- 
lars a year. 

Harry — (rises) So, Billie, my boy, that puts you 
out of the running. But don't worry. You'll probably 
be able to pick up one of those pickle factory belles in a 
short time. (Exit L.) 

BiLLiE — (rises) Well, what do you think of our of- 
fice, Winnie? 

Winnie — (looking arovnd enthusiastically) Won- 
derful. Why it looks like an honest-to-goodness business 
office. 

BiLLiE — You bet. We're doing the thing up right. 
Classy rug. classy furniture — 

Winnie — And classy officers. 

BiLiJE — Sure — and classy officers. Now all we need 
is some classy business. 

Winnie — And you think you can make five thousand 
dollars a year out of it? 

BiLLiE — Up until today I thought we had a sure-fire 
proposition. (Glumly) But now that we've lost that 
three thousand, I wouldn't give a wooden nickel for our 
chances. 

Winnie — After all of your work and expense in 
furnishing this office so nicely? 

BiLLiE — (in deep disgust) Yes. I'm the unluck- 
iest person. If I owned a cemetery, everybody would 
immediately stop dying. 

Winnie — Well, perhaps this thing will turn out 
better than you expect. 



42 The Backfire 



BiLLiE — Not in a million years, while I'm in it. Win- 
nie, your father hasn't changed his mind yet, has he? 

Winnie — No, indeed. Right now he's picking out 
all of the young eligibles among my friends who he 
thinks may be able to support me on five thousand a year 
or more. His favorite is Chauncey Henderson. 

BiLLiE— (/?,oiZ7/) Chaw Henderson! That boob? 
He couldn't make five thousand dollars if he worked in 
the mint. 

Winnie — Well, he's Dad's favorite. 

BiLLiF — (disconsolately^ Winnie, I don't like this 
business a bit. Before I ever make that five thousand 
dollars, your dad will marry you to some boob and I'll be 
left out in the cold. Let's elope. 

Winnie— (disrfatt?/?/???/) Elope. And live off ideas! 

BiLLiE — No. I'll make , that five thousand dollars 
some day. I just haven't thought of the right business 
yet. 

Winnie — (langhinr/) No, listen, Billie. I was jok- 
ing with you. I had a long t.s>.^k with Dad, last night — 
told him how hard you were trying — 

BiLLiE — (eagerly) You did? 

Winnie — And just guess what he said? 

Billie — (all eagerness) Was it something about 
the five thousand dollars? 

Winnie — Yes. 

Billie — Winnie, tell me quick before I burst with 
excitement. 

Winnie — Well, Grace and her father called on us 
last night, and while we had our two fathers together, 
Grace and I talked five thousand dollar jobs to them. 

Billie — Yes, what did they say? 

Winnie — They agreed with us that it was expecting 
quite a bit of a young fellow to go out into the world 
and make five thousand dollars right at the start. 



The Backfire 43 



EiLLiE — (,v:ith unnecessary emphasis) I'll say it's 
expecting a great deal. 

Winnie- — So they compromised. 

EiLLiE — (tineasily) Compromised? I don't like 
compromises. 

• . Winnie — That if each of you could show that you 
owned ten thousand dollars,, they would consider you as 
possibilities for sons-in-law. 

BiLLTE — (in tremendous excitement) Winnie, real- 
ly? {Winnie nods eagerly.) And they meant it? 

Winnie — -Father never says anything he doesn't 
mean. 

BiLLTE— Hurrah! Winnie, we'll be married next 
week. 

(Enter Harry and Grace, C, in great excitement.) 

Harry — Billie, have you heard the news? 

Billie — (excitedly) That we don't have to earn that 
five thousand dollars a year? 

Harry — Yes. Ain't it great? We'll have a big dou- 
ble wedding next week. 

Grace — But, remember, one of the conditions is 
that you show that you possess ten thousand dollars in 
your own name. 

Winnie — And that same is not pledged or hypoth- 
ecated in any way, as father would say. 

Harry — Why, that's easy. Billie and I have that 
much right now, haven't we, Billie? 

Billie — Of course we have. I have ten thousand 
dollars and Harry — • (Billie stops suddenly, stares at 
Harry in blank dismay) — Good Lord, Harry, Stan is out 
losing that ten thousand dollars for us right now. 

Grace — Losing it? 

(Fast action from this point) 

Harry— Ye gods! I forgot all about that. 
Winnie — What do you mean? 



44 The Backfire 



BiLLiE — (excitedly) Don't you see? That ten 
thousand dollars we have is invested in this business, 
and Stan is out now, closing the deal that is going to 
lose 1he rest of it for us. We'll lose every cent. 

Grace — {quickly) Can't you stop him? 

Harry — (quickly) We've got to stop him. We can't 
afford to lose that ten thousand now. 

BiLLiE — (starting for his hat) We've got to stop 
him. 

Winnie — But where is he? 

Harry — Where is he? By Jove! Where is he, Bil- 
lie? 

BiLLiE — Good Lord! 1 don't know. Don't you? 

Harry — (quickly) He started for Watson's office. 
Maybe he's still there. 

Winnie — Or if he isn't there perhaps he's at the 
Exchange. 

Grace — Or perhaps on the way back to the office. 

Harry — We'll search the whole city until we find 
him. We've got to save that money, no matter what 
happens. 

BiLLiE — And then we'll close up this office. I've got 
enough of business to last me for awhile. 

Winnie — Harry and Grace, you go over to the Ex- 
change, and we'll go over to Watson's office. 

Harry — All right, let's go. And don't come back 
without him. 

(Exit Harry and Grace C, Winnie and Billie L, hast- 
ily. Enter Dorothy, C. Seeing no one in, she looks 
around office curiously. Enter Stan, C.) 

Stan — (delighted) Why, Miss Gray, this is a real 
treat. 

Dorothy — (cordially, shaking hands ivith Stan) 
Your office force seems to have deserted you. Where are 
the other two members of your dignified board of direc- 
tors? 



The Backfire 45 



Stan — Search me. They were here when I left. 
Probably got wind that Winnie and Grace were down 
town. Whenever Billie knows that, he's useless for the 
rest of the day. (Brings chair and Dorothy sits.) 

Dorothy— Well, how's business? 

Stan — Fine. Lost only three thousand dollars so 
far. 

Dorothy — Lost three thousand dollars? You are 
doing well. 

Stan — Yes, indeed. If my board of directors don't 
have heart failure, I think we can lose the rest of it by 
the end of the month. 

Dorothy — (amused) Somewhat of a strain on 
them? 

Stan — I should say so. I wish you could have seen 
them today when I broke the sad news that we had lost 
that three thousand. You could have bought the whole 
firm for a dime. 

Dorothy — But you don't intend to give up? 

Stan — Not in a thousand years. Our motto is "stick 
to the ship," even though she is headed for Davy Jones' 
Locker. 

Dorothy — (laughs) I see you've realized Billie's 
pet ambition — rug on the floor, and cigars for the hard- 
working officers. 

Stan — Yes, indeed. Now, all we need is a good- 
looking stenographer to set off our office to good advant- 
age. 

Dorothy — You need a stenographer already? 

Stan — For ornamental purposes only. Her duties 
will be to write perhaps a letter or two a week, call Billie 
and Harry to the phone ten or twelve times a day when- 
ever Winnie and Grace have some astonishing news to 
communicate to them, and phone for the latest baseball 
scores. 

Dorothy — (laughing) Rather a responsible posi- 
tion. Are you sure one person can handle it? 



46 The Backfire 



• 

Stan — Oh, yes. How would you like to take the job? 

Dorothy — {laughing) Couldn't think of it, I prom- 
ised Mr. Morrison I would stay with him. 

Stan — {in dismay) Not forever? 

Dorothy — Hardly that. But as long as he needs me. 

Stan — How's the old bear behaving himself lately? 
Any fatalities since I left? 

Dorothy'' — No dead, no wounded, and all hostilities 
have ceased. 

Stan — You don't mean it! The '^"'^'' ^<^^'^'^ wouldn't 
seem like home to me. 

Dorothy — {s?.riondii) Mr. Royscn, v.culd it be 
possible for me to induce you to go back to Mr. Mor- 
rison? 

Stan — (in surprise) Back to Morrison, after I 
I started this business? 

Dorothy — But you can demand any salary you want 
from him now. T really believe he would pay you as high 
as ten thousand dollars. 

Stan — But you, yourself, set my mark at twenty 
thousand. 

Dorothy — I know. But something has happened 
since. I dkln't know at the time how much Morrison & 
Morrison really needed you. 

Stan — Miss Gray, what is the trouble over at Mor- 
rison's ? 

Dorothy — Everything. Nothing has gone right 
since you left. One investment after another turned out 
bad. and if this keeps up Morrison and Morrison will 
have to go out of business. 

Stan — (sloivly) I'm sorry. Miss Gray, but I can't 
do it. 

Dorothy — For personal reasons? 

Stan — Yes. I told you a few minutes ago that we 
had lost three thousand dollars. Do you know how we 
lost it? 



The Backfire 47 



Dorothy — Why, no. 

Stan — Morrison gave us a tip, knowing when he 
gave it, that the tip was bad. 

Dorothy — (horrified) Oh, no! 

Stan — {bitterly) Yes, deliberately. Just another 
item added to the many indignities I have suffered at 
the hands of his family within the past ten years. You 
have often heard me speak of Dorothy Morrison. My 
father thought the world and all of Dorothy Morrison 
when she was a child. When he was on his last sick bed 

he sent a note to her, asking her tc ^'- - ^^ "■ -- 'I on 

him. She never came. 

Dorothy — {horrified) . Your father sent a note? 

Stan — Yes. 

Dorothy — (agitated; rising) There is some hor- 
rible mistake. I — she — Miss Mor ver received 
that note. 

Stan— (quickly) What's that? 

Dorothy — Believe me. Miss Morrison never re- 
ceived that note. 

Stan — (suddenly) How do you know that? 

Dorothy — (agitated) Why, I — she — 

Stan — Miss Gray, how do you know Miss Morrison 
did not receive my father's note? 

Dorothy — T — I can't tell you. 

Stan — But I insist upon knowing. 

Dorothy — (sUnvly) I'm sorry, Mr. Royson, but I 
can't tell you. Will you not take my word for it? 

Stan — (instantly humble) Forgive me, Miss Gray. 
Your word is all that is necessary. 

Dorothy — (still agitated) Will you excuse me? I 
— I must hurry back to the office. 

(Exit Dorothy C. Stayi stands for a few moments 
in deep thought, then quickly goes out R.) 

(Enter Grace, Winnie and Harry, C.) 



48 The Backfire 



Harry — (disgustedly) A lot of good we did. By 
now, that stock has probably gone down to nothing. 
(Slumps into chair.) 

Grace— But we visited every place he could possibly 
have been. Where could he be? 

Harry — He probably has bought that stock and is 
off somewhere now, figuring how to lose what little we 
might save out of the wreckage. 

Winnie — Billie left mc to go over to Denton's of- 
fice. Perhaps he's found him. 

Harry — {in disgust) Billie! Billie couldn't find 
water in the Atlantic ocean. 

Grace — Well, what's done is done. Let's hope for 
the best. 

Harry — Well, let's see what that stock is doing now. 
(Walks over to stock ticker.) Perhaps it will hold off 
for a day or two before it goes to smash. (Examines 
ticker tape.) 

Winnie — (optimistically) It may go up instead of 
down. 

Harry — (excitedly) Great Scott, girls, come here 
quick. (Girls hurry over to Harry around ticker.) Look 
closely. Do you see what I see? 

Grace — I see a lot of numbers. 

Harry — (in suppressed excitement) Yes, but that 
last number? That General Fur number? 

Winnie — Seventy-eight. 

Harry — (pleadingly) You look, Grace. Please tell 
me it isn't seventy-eight. 

Grace — Yes, that's what it is — seventy-eight. Why, 
what does that mean? 

Harry — (drops tape and sinks limply into chair) It 
means that we're done for. 

Winnie — Done for? 

Grace — What do you mean? 

Harry — When Stan left the office to buy that stock 



The Backfire 49 



it was selling at eighty-nine. If he bought at once, that 
means we've already lost eleven dollars per share. I 
think he bought three hundred shares. (Despairingly) 
Winnie, what is three hundred times eleven? 

Winnie — Three thousand three hundred dollars. 

Harry — Grace, you can't make it any less? 

Grace — Of course not. 

Harry — (in despair) Then we've already lost three 
thousand three hundred dollars. And in a half hour. At 
that rate, in one hour we lose sixty six hundred dollars. 
By evening we'll be cleaned out. 

Winnie — (m suppressed excitement) But — but 
can't something be done? 

Grace — (excitedly) Can't j'^ou sell? 

Harry — (desperately) Stan was to buy the stock 
in his own name. He's the only one who can give the 
order. 

WmNiE— (resolutely) Then we must find Stan. 
Surely he's somewhere. 

(Enter BilHe in tremendous excitement at C.) 

BiLLiF — Ye gods! Have you heard the news? 

Harry — You take your funeral outside. We've got 
one in here. 

Winnie — What do you know, Billie? That — that 
stock has gone down to seventy-eight. 

BiLLiE — isJiouts) Seventy-eight! Seventy- eight! 
It's gone down to sixty-eight! 

Harry — (on his feet) What! 

Grace — Billie, you don't mean it? 

BiLLiE — (rushes over and seizes tape) No, by Jove, 
it's down to sixty-seven. Come here, quick, and see. 
(All rush to ticker.) 

Winnie — But we looked at it just a moment ago and 
it said seventy-eight. 

Grace — What does it mean? 



50 The Backfire 



• 

Harrt — (desperately) It means — it means that 
we've lost thirty-six hundred dollars since we looked at 
that tape just a few minutes ago. 

BiLLiE — (wipes forehead with handkerchief) Talk 
about high finr/nce. John D. Rockefeller hasn't got any- 
thing on this company. 

Grace — (aived) Why, you're losing about a thou- 
sand dollars a minute. 

Winnie — And sixty thousand dollars an hour. 

BiLLiE- Oh, no.- We've only got thirty thousand to 
lose. 

Geack - -'^ <-"-' '='-^"" ^'^ the only one who can 

sell. 

Harry — (disriially) Yes. 

Winnie — Then we must, we must find Stan. 

BiLLiE — But I've looked everywhere but the jail, 

Winnie — Telephone. Telephone everybody you know. 

Harry — (quickly) That's the idea. We'll phone 
everybody downtown we know. (Grabs up phone book.) 
What in the dickens is Haigley's number? 

BiLLiE— Broad 2135. 

Harry — (grabs up phone) Hello! Hello! Broad 
2135. Broad 2135. * * Hello, is this the Haigley 
Investment Company? * * What's that? * * 
(Throws dou'u phone in disffust.) That central has our 
number all right. 

Grace — Why, what number did you get? 

Harry — Woodlawn Cemetery. 

BiLLiE — (in disgust) Tell her to hold that number. 
We'll need it for a double funeral if Stan doesn't show 
up in a few minutes. 

Winnie — (eagerly) Try again, Harry. 

Harry — (taking up receiver again) Broad 2135; 
yes, 2135. * * Hello, Mr. Haigley? * * Mr. 
Haigley, is Mr. Roy son at your office? * * Thank 



The Backfire 51 



you. (Drops phone.) No good. The only way we'll 
ever find Stan will be to call out the police force and 
fire department. 

BiLLiE — (hurries over to ticker) Maybe it's going 
up by now. Winnie, you look for me. I've got a weak 
heart. 

TFiNNlE — {examining tape) General Fur. Was 
that it? 

Harry — Yes, read it aloud. 

Winnie — Good heavens! (Tears off portion of the 
tape and comes down stage icith it quickly.) (Therf 
crowd eagerly around Winnie.) 

BiLLiE — (excitedly) What is it, Winnie? 

Harry — Don't tell us it dropped any more. 

Winnie — (dazed) What was it when we looked last? 

HarrY: — Sixty-seven. 

Winnie — You're sure it was sixty-seven. 

Grace — Yes, yes. 

Winnie — (holding up tape) Then, look! (All stare 
horHfied at tape. Dramatic pause.) 

Harry] 

\ — Fifty-four! (BUlie and Harry stare at 

BlI-LIE I 

each other blankly, then slou'ly sijik into chairs.) 

(Curtain goes doum for one minute to shoiv lapse 
of one hour.) 

Scene 2. 

Same at Scene 1. 

As curtain rises, Billie is discovered at desk C, phon- 
ing strenuously. 

BlLLiE— Hello! Hello! Mr. Caldwell? * * 
Has Stanley Royson been at your office today ? * * 
(Billie hangs receiver in disgust.) 

(Enter Winnie, C, quickly.) 



52 The Backfire 



BiLLiE — Did you find him, Winnie? 

Winnie — No. Did you get any trace of him? 

BiLLiE — No, I've called up so many people within 
the past hour that the wires are wearing out. Well, that 
settles it. 

Winnie — Why, did it drop again? 
BiLLiE — Five points since you left. 
Winnie — (examining ticker tape) It dropped six 
points, Billie. 

Billie — {in disgust) Look again. I'll bet a dollar 
it's seven by now. 

Winnie — Perhaps Harry and Grace have found him. 

Billie — Not in a million years. Wait until that 
stock gets down to nothing and he'll show up on his own 
accord. 

(Enter Harry and Grace, C.) 

Winnie — (eagerly) What luck? 

Harry — (drops disgusted into chair L.) Nothing 
doing. We've done everj'thing but drag the sound. 

BiLLiF — Stan ought to be a policeman. He's so 
hard to find. 

Grace — (unth impotent impatience) But some- 
thing must be done; it's going down every minute. 

Harry — Well, it can't go down much farther. 

Winnie — But where on earth can he be? 

Billie — (pessimistically) We haven't bought any 
gold mines or oil stock yet. He's probably out investi- 
gating them now. 

Harry — We'll have some wonderful experience by 
the time we're broke. 

Grace — But I thought Stan was an expert on stocks 
and bonds. 

Billie — He is. Nobody but an expert could have 
picked stocks as bad as these. (Harry goes over to the 
ticker and examines tape.) How much did it drop this 
time? 



The Backfire 53 



Harry — (hopelessly) It's down to forty-four now. 

BiLLiE — (takes out handkerchief and mops fore- 
head) And we bought at 89. From 89 to 44 — a drop of 
forty-five dollars per share. We've lost just exactly thir- 
teen thousand five hundred dollars already. 

Winnie — I never knew business was so exciting. 

Harry — Oh, it's exciting all right — exciting and — 
sad. 

Grace — What's the next move? 

BiLLiE — The next move is to find an auctioneer to 
sell our furniture. (All assume attitude of dejection. 
Enter Stan, briskly, C.) 

Stan — {cheerfidly) Well, I'm just in time for the 
party. 

(All turn suddenly, staring at Stan. Tense dra- 
matic pause. Then unanimously they rush over to him 
and bring him doivn stage all talking excitedly.) 

BiLLiE — Phone them quick. 

Harry — We've got to sell right away. 

Winnie — It's going down every minute. 

Grace — Here's a phone. Hurry, Stan! 

Stan — (mystified) Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 

BiLLiE — (excitedly) But we can't wait. 

Harry — We've waited long enough as it is. 

Stan — What's all the row about, anjnvay? 

Winnie — Good heavens! Don't you know? 

Harry — Ye gods! Don't you know that General 
Fur has gone down to nothing? 

Grace — And you're losing $1,000 a minute. 

BiLLiE — And that we've already lost $14,000? 

Stan — (looking from one to the other) $14,000? 
Say, have you all gone crazy? What are you talking 
about, anyhow? 

Harry — (excitedly) That General Fur stock. It's 
going down like a comet. 



54 The Backfire 



Winnie— It dropped forty-five points already. 

BiLLiE — It's going down so fast, the ticker can't 
keep up with it. Get busy and sell. We've lost $14,000 
already. 

St A-N— (sitting on front edge of desk C.) $14,000? 
Why, I bought just a few minutes ago at 44. 
Harry] 

j^—WHAT ! ! 

BlLLIEJ 

Stan — {cahnly) I bought just a few minutes ago 
at 44. 

(Billie and Harry sink limply into chairs. Billie 
and Wintiie to right of Stan; Harry and Grace to left.) 

,, Wi^^NiE — And we were making that wild goose 
chase all over the city for you for nothing? 

Billie — You bought that stock when it was going 
down? 

Harry — After it had dropped forty points? 

Stan — (correcting him) Forty-five points. 

Billie — (rises and goes over to Stan) Stan Royson, 
yOu're crazy. 

Karry — (rises grimly) We're going to sell that 
stock right away. 

Grace — Before it goes down any further. 

Stan — (easily) Oh, no, we're not. 

Harry— What? 

Winnie — Stan, it's going down every minute. 

Billie — We've got to sell right away. 

Stan — I've got to make $20,000 this year. We sell 
when it reaches seventy-five. 

(Billie and Harry shik into chairs, staring at Stan 
in blank amazement.) 

Harry— Seventy-five ! Ye gods ! It won't reach 75 
in 75 years. 



The Backfire 55 



BiLLiE — You're not nutty enough to think it's going 



up 



Grace — Stan, you must sell. The bottom has 
dropped out completely. 

Stan — (complacently) When it reaches 75 we sell. 

Winnie — {looks at ticker tape; excitedly) It has 
dropped another point. It's down to 43 now. 

BiLLiE — {leaping to feet) Stan Royson, you've got 
to sell, 

Harry — (on his f&et) If you don't we will. 

Stan — Oh. no, you won't. 

Harry — {hotly) And why won't we? 

BiLLiE — Yes, why can't we sell? 

Stan — {grinning complacently) For the simple 
reason that that stock is bought in my name. 

BlLLlE 1 

j. — {pac'mg uj) and down in impotent rage) 

Harry J 
Oh!! 

T'FiNNiE — (pleading) Stan, Billie will lose all of his 
money. 

Stan — He won't lose it. We're going to make about 
$18,000. 

Harry — Somebody get a doctor. He's plumb crazy. 

Grace — Stan, please sell. 

Billie — (pleadingly) Stan, won't you please sell? 

Winnie — (pleadingly) Stan, father won't let Bil- 
lie come to see me any more unless he has $10,000. Unless 
you sell nov/, he'll lose every cent of it. (Holds out her 
hands pleadingly) Please sell. 

Harry — And Grace's father won't let me see Grace 
any more unless I produce that $10,000. So, please sell. 

Stan — And sell at a loss? When we've got a 
chance to make $18,000. 

Billie — Eighteen thousand? Even if it did go up 



56 The Backfire 



to 75 we'd make only $9,000. Three hundred shares at 
30— $9,000. 

Stan — But I bought six hundred shares. 

ElLLIE 1 

I— What! 

Harry J 

Grace — You bought 600 shares at forty five? 

\NiyiNiE—(b Lankly) And paid $27,000 for them? 

Stan — Winnie, your mathematical education is per- 
fect. 

BiLLiE— (dazed) Goodbye $27,000. 

Harry — And evei-y time it drops a point we lose 
$600 instead of three. Billie, get me a job in that pickle 
factory, too. {Walks dazedly over to ticker and exam- 
ines tape.) 

Billie ] 

Winnie I — (holding out arms appealing to .Stan) 

Grace J Stan, please sell. 

Stan — When it reaches 75 we sell. 

Harry — \ examining tape) It's still going down — • 
five points. (Suddenly.) No, by Jove! (Examines tape 
eagerly.) Come here quick. It went tip five points. 

Billie 1 

Winnie 'j — (blankly) No! 

Grace J 

Harry — (in great excitement) Yes it did! It went 
up five points. It's standin at 49 now. 

(Winnie, Grace arid. Billie crowd around Harry eag- 
erly. Stan complacently lights cigar.) 

Billie — (excitedly) Forty-nine! It went up five 
points. 

Winnie — (very excitedly) Look, look! It's 50 now. 
BiLLiF — (unable to believe it) Must be something 
wrong with that ticker. 

Grace — It's going up as fast as it came down. 



The Backfire 57 



Harry — Stan, what figure did you buy at? 

Stan — Forty-five. 

BiLLiE — {hurries over to desk R, and grabs pencil) 
And 600 shares? 

Stan — And 600 shares. 

BiLLiE — (fifjuring rapidly) Hurrah! We've made 
$3,000 already. 

Winnie— And $3,000 divided by three is $1,000 
apiece. 

Harry — {mopping forehead tcith handkerchief) 
Ard to think at one time I actually thought of going out 
and working for a living. 

Stan — Well, shall we sell now? 

BiLLiE — Sell! When we've found a gold mine like 
this? 

Harry — I'm going to sit in a chair the rest of my 
life and watch that little slip of paper come out of that 
machine. 

Winnie — Stan, you came very near giving us heart 
failure. How did you know it v/as going up? 

Stan — Because we forced it dov/n in the first place. 
{Laughs.) I'll bet there's some excitement over on the 
stock exchange right now. 

Grace — {eagerly) Let's go over and see it. 

BiLLiE — (mops forehead with handkerchief) I've 
had about all the excitement I want for one day. 

"^^'tnnie — Let's do go over. It ought to be a regu- 
lar circus. 

Harry — All right. But, whatever you do while 
we're gone, Stan, don't you dare sell that stock until it 
reaches 75. {Exeunt Winnie, Grace, Billie and Harry C.) 

Stan — {taking up phone from desk C.) John 0497. 
* , * Hello, Danvers? This is Royson. Hold my stock 
of General Fur until it reaches 75. Then sell without 
further instructions. * * You'll attend to that, 
will you? {Hangs receiver.) 



58 The Backfire 



(Enter Dorothy C.) 

Stan — (meeting her eagerly) Dorothy! Twice in 
one day. This is too good to be true. 

Dorothy — (laughing) Oh, but this visit is purely 
business. I came for professional advice. 

Stan — (Bringing her chair) Advice? Do you 
know, there's nothing in this world I'm so proficient at 
as giving advice? 

Dorothy — (sitting) How fortunate. 

St Ali- -(sitting on edge of desk) Giving people ad- 
vice is just my line. Now, my first advice to you is to 
get married. 

Dorothy — (laughs) I thought this was a broker- 
age office; not a matrimonial bureau. 

Stan — Oh, we do a general business. Everything 
done thoroughly. I've even picked out the man you're to 
marry. 

Dorothy- —That's real efficiency. Who's the victim? 

STA.N — Oh, I am. 

Dorothy — (laughs) But I told you this was purely 
business. 

Stan- -That's the most important business I know 
of right now. 

Dorothy — Your office force has deserted you again. 
Did they recover from the shock caused by that $3,000 
loss? 

Stan — Yes. but they had another scare; were ready 
to sell the office furniture when I returned to the office 
a short time ago. 

Dorothy — But now to business. 

Stan — But why talk business when we have so 
many more important things to discuss? For instance, 
yourself. 

Dorothy — Please be serious. This is really im- 
portant. 



The Backfire 59 



Stan — (sits at desk C.) All right. Now I'm a bus- 
iness man. Let's go. 

Dorothy — I'm afraid I did something foolish this 
morning. I invested some money in stocks this morn- 
ing on margin. 

Stan —On margin? That's risky business. If the 
market drops appreciably, yon lose everything. 

Dorothy — But Mr. Morrison did likewise. 

St XN- — (surprised) Morrison bought on margin? 
Is his condition as bad as that? 

Dorothy — Yes, he's m.aking one last desperate ef- 
fort to gain a new foothold. 

Stan — (suddenly) What stock was that? 

Dorothy — General Fur. 

STAN^-ileaps to feet) WHAT! 

Dorothy — General Fur. 

Stan — (stunned) Ye gods! General Fur!! 

Dorothy — (anxiously) Why, is — is there something 
vaong? 

Stan — (quickly) What figure did you buy at*.' 

Dorothy— I think it was 87. 

Stan — (dazed) You bought General Fur — on mar- 
gin—at 87? 

Dorothy — Yes. 

Stan — Ow-w! General Fur! Eighty-seven! 

Dorothy — (becoming frightened) Tell me, is ar y- 
thing wrong? 

Stan — Is anything wrong? Everything is wrong. 

Dorothy — What do you mean? 

Stan— Hold onto your chair, and prepare for an 
awful shock. 

Dorothy — (anxiously) Why, I — 

Stan — General Fur went down to A^ today, 

Dorothy — (rising quicl-.ly) Forty-four! 



60 The Backfire 



Stan— And you bought on margin. You loso every 
cent. 

{Dorothy drovs back vnt'.) chair, stunned. Enter 
Morrison, C, fuHonshi.^ 

Morrison — (loudly) Where's tliat young scoun- 
dre]? 

Stan — Oh, that voice, I'm beginning to feel right . 
{>t home. 

Mokkison — (.srs.s Stav^ So, here you aro? 

Stan — (apo'.' ci^tically i-.r — have a chair. 

Dorothy — (nsiny elatedly) Undo B.-'ic^ Mr Koy- 
son telis me General f'ur ue'i!. c\wn to 1^ today. 

Morrison — ' ^iiHoi.sly) And did he tell you v/ho 
sent it down? 

Stan— ( gathering courage) Now, see here, Mr. 
Morrison — 

Morrison — He's the one who sent it down. He and 
Watson and the rest of that gang. They're the villains 
who are responsible for that crash. 

Dorothy — (alarmed) Uncle Bruce, what are you 
saying ? 

Stan — Just a moment, Mr. Morrison — 

Morrison — Ask him! Ask him! Let him tell you 

so himself. Ask him who was responsible for the crash 

of General Fur, today. 

Dorothy — (looks at Stan in horror) Is it — is it 
true ? 

(Stan stands before her speechless.) 

Morrison — See! What did I tell you. The young 
villain. 

Dorothy — (goes over to Stan, looks him squarely 
in the eyes) Mr. Koyson, were you responsible for the 
drop in General Fur today? 

Stan — Yes, but we thought — 



The Backfire 61 



Morrison — He confesses it. The brazen young 
scoundrel ! 

Dorothy — (in liorror) You deliberately forced 
down the market on that stock. 

Stan — Please, Miss Gray, will you not give me 
a hearing before you condemn me? 

Morrison — A hearing! A hearing! And, do you 
think anything you might say could help matters? 

Dorothy — (suddenly) And you knew Dorothy Mor- 
rison was holding stock? 

Stan — Good heavens. Miss Gray, you surely don't 
think — • "I 

Dorothy — (scathingly) I see it all now. Hereto- 
fore you were content with verbal expressions of con- 
tempt for Dorothy Morrison, this time you have seized 
the opportunity to give concrete expression of regard. 

Morrison — (ivith scathing sarcasm) A fine thing 
to do ! A manly thing to do ! To make war on a woman ! 

Stan — (in horror, to Dorothy) You think I would 
deliberately attempt to wreck a woman's fortune? 

Dorothy — (ivith scathing contempt) You were 
entirely successful in your intentions. The colossal for- 
tune' that Bruce Morrison and his niece, Dorothy Morri- 
son, once boasted, is now a thing of the past. You have 
the pleasure of wresting the last installment from them. 
Dorothy Morrison now stands before the world penni- 
less, i 

Morrison — But you'll suffer for it. I'll make you 
suffer for this if it takes me till judgment day. 

STAii— (dazed) But I — I didn't know that Miss 
Morrison was so near ruin. I'll restore eveiy penny to 
her. 

Dorothy — (with bitter scorn) And do you think 
she would take money from you? Do you think she 
would ever touch one penny that you had handled. Dor- 
othy Morrison may be all that you have pictured her. 



62 The Backfire 



She may be arrogant, v^ain, frivolous — together with a 
thousand other vices and weaknesses that you attribute 
to her, but she is also — proud. 

Stan — (staring at her in amazement) Good heav- 
ens, Miss Gray, who are you? 

Dorothy — (proudly) I am but one among the 
many that you have ruined today; the girl whose ruin 
you have sought; the girl whom you detested from ear- 
liest infancy. I am Dorothy Morrison. 

(Stan sinks liriiply into chair, staring at Dorothy in 
horror.) 

CURTAIN 



ACT III. 

Scene — Home of Winifred Weston. The party night. 
Beautifnlhj furnished room with walnut furniture. Doors 
R, L, and C. Books, chairs, pedestals ivith busts should 
be used as necessary. Handsome c^uch doivn R, rug, 
curtains on two windows in rear. F^oor lamp up L. It 
is about nine o'clock in the eveninq; one month later. As. 
curtain rises, orchestra off stage R, is faintly heard soft- 
ly playing a popidar dance piece. Hopkins, a dignified 
English butler, enters L, ivith tray of cigars. Enter 
Grace and Winnie, R. 

Winnie — Hopkins, has Mr. Bowers or Mr. Langdon: 
arrived ? 

Hopkins — No, Miss, not yet. 

Winnie — ^Very well, Hopkins, that will do. 

(Exit Hopkins, R.) 

Grace — Isn't that provoking? Harry promised me 
positively that he would be here early. 

Winnie — (peeved) And Billie said he would be 
here by eight-thirty. Wait until he does come; I'll give 
him a piece of my mind. 



Th e Backfire 63 

Grace— And ditto for Harry. Have most of the 
guests arrived? 

Winnie — All but Brent Locksley and Dorothy Mor- 
rison. 

Grace — {surprised) Oh, is Dorothy coming 

Winnie — Yes, but I had a hard job persuading her. 
They are selling their home next week; so Dorothy 
thought it would look out of place for her to come right 
now. Before she would promise to come though, she made 
me give my word that Stan would not be here. 

Grace — Poor old Stan. That General Fur transac- 
tion surely proved a backfire for him. Dorothy will nev- 
er forgive him for that. 

Winnie — I wonder what he can be doing out of 
town all this time. He's been away now, nearly a month. 
Did you know that he wrote to Billie and Harry about a 
week ago and borrowed five thousand dollars from them? 

Grace — And when he left he took a draft for 
$20,000 with him. 

Winnie — {impatiently, looking out door C) But 
where, oh, where, can Billie be? 

Grace — When they do come, let's teach them a les- 
son. 

Winnie — Good! They deserve it. What shall we do? 

Grace — Of whom is Billy especially jealous, among 
your friends? 

Winnie — Chauncey Henderson. Billie's ready to 
commit murder every time I look at Chauncey. 

Grace — Fine! Now, when Billie arrives, your cue 
is to make furious love to Chauncey. That ought to 
teach him a lesson. 

Winnie — {eagerly) I'll do it. But it will be hard 
on Chauncey, because Billie will kill Chauncey after the 
party. 

Grace — And I'll pick Ray Woodson as my victim. 
Ray has always been Harry's pet enemy. 



64 Tke Backfire 

* 



(Enter Hopkins, R.) (Music stops.) 

Hopkins — Miss Morrison and Mr .Brentwood have 
arrived, Miss. 

Winnie — Very well Hopkins. (Exeunt Winnie and 
Grace, R.) 

(Hopkins starts out L. Enter Billie and Harry, C, 
all out of breath. In their eagerness they seize Hopkins 
and bring him down stage.) 

Billie — Hopkins, what did Miss Weston say about 
our being late for the party? 

Harry — And Miss Mansur — what did she say? 

Hopkins — (tvith a discreet cough behind his hand) 
A sr^n+leman never repeats in public what a lady says in 
private. 

Billie — (pressing bill into Hopkins' hand) Hopkins 
hurry and tell Miss Weston that we have arrived. 

Harry — (Pressing another bill in Hopkins' hand) 
And Hopkins, there are more where these came from if 
you can square things for us. 

Hopkins — Very well. I may say, though, the ladies 
appeared very angry. (Exit R.) 

Harry — (glumly) The ladies appeared very angry. 
I hope you got that. 

Billie — I'll bet a nickel they didn't only appear an- 
gry. 

Harry — This is a nice mess. We'll be doing mighty 
well if they let us in to the party at all. 

Billie — Well, who was it told that taxi driver to 
speed up? We'll be doing mighty well if we get away 
from that judge tomorrow morning for less than fifty 
dollars. 

Harry — And who was it tried to give that cop some 
back talk? That bonehead stunt will cost us fifty more. 

Billie — (glumly) And all that time that boob, 
Chauncey Henderson has had the field all to himself. 
Most likely he has proposed and been accepted by now. 



The Backfire 65 



(Enter Hopkins, R.) 
- Harry — (eagerly) What did they say, Hopkins? 

Hopkins — The ladies begged me to iniorm you, 
sirs, that at present they are busily engaged in dancing 
with Messrs. Henderson and Woodson. 

BiLLiE — (fiercely) Chaw Henderson! Oh, just 
wait until I catch that boob outside. 

Harry — (hopefully) But didn't they seem glad to 
see us? 

Hopkins — I can't say they did, sir. In fact the la- 
dies seemed to be having a wonderful time, sirs. Miss 
Weston and Mr. Henderson make a wonderful looking 
couple. 

BiLLiE — (fiercely) He'll make a wonderful looking 
corpse m about two minutes. 

Harry — (desperately) But, Hopkins, you must be 
mistaken. Miss Mansur promised the first dance to me. 

Hopkins — (dryly) This is the third time they've 
danced with Messrs, Woodson and Henderson this even- 
ing. 

(Harry and Billie sink gloomily into chairs.) 

Harry — (glumly) That will do, Hopkins. (Exit 
Hopkins, C.) (Bdl rings off stage.) 

BiLLiE — (pathetically) Harry, did you hear? She 
danced three times with Chaw Henderson. 

{Enter Hopkins, C, folloived by Stan.) 

Stan — Hopkins, don't let Miss Weston know yet, 
that I have arrived. 

Hopkins — Very well, Sir. (Exit L.) 

BiLLiE^ — (rushing over to Stan and shaking his hand 
vigorously) Stan ! 

Harry — (enthusiastically shaking hands and bring- 
ing him down stage) Stan, you're an angel sent from 
heaven. 

Billie — You'll square things for us, won't you 
Stan? 



66 The Backfire 



Stan — {coming doivn stage) Now, what is the 
trouble? Been playing the market again and lost all 
your money? 

Harry — (excitedly) Money! I wish it were only 
money. 

BiLLiE — (dole f idly) We've gone and lost our girls. 

Stan — (laughs) Oh, is that all? 

Harry — All! Do you realize that Grace is in that 
room entertaining Ray Woodson? 

BiLLiE — (pathetically) And Winnie is spending the 
evening dancing with that boob Chaw Henderson. Three 
times already tonight. 

Stan — Well, don't get excited about a little thing 
like that. You can't expect the girls to dance with you 
all evening. 

Harry — (excitedly) All evening! All evening!! 
They won't dance with us at all. 

BiLLiE — (Looks off stage, right.) (Very excited.) 
She's dancing with him again. He's got his arm around 
her. She smiled at him. Oh, wait till I catch that boob 
out on the street. 

Harry — Stan, don't you see? You've got to fix 
things up for us. 

BiLLiE — And in a hurry, too. If that fish dances 
with her again tonight, I'm going to break up the party. 

Stan — But what's the cause of all the trouble? 
When I left, you were like four little doves. 

BiLLiE — Oh, another one of Harry's fool stunts. He 
insisted on racing the car to the party tonight, and we 
were arrested for speeding. It'll cost us about $50 to- 
morrow morning in court. 

Harry — And then Billy had to boob things up worse 
by talking back to the cop. Result, we had to go along 
to the station and came about an hour late to the party 
tonight. That boob stunt will cost us about fifty dollars 
more. 



The Backfire 67 



BiLLiE — (disconsolately) If we could only see them 
to explain how it happened — but they won't listen to an 
explanation. Girls can be awfully unreasonable at times. 

Stan — At times! They're unreasonable all the 
time. (Laughs.) Well, I'll see what I can do for you. 
But first I want to talk business. 

BiLLlE — (indignantly) Business! You expect me 
to talk business, while that boob is dancing in there with 
Winnie? 

Stan — Listen, fellows, I'm flat broke. 

BiLLiE — Broke ! 

Stan — Exactly. 

Harry — Broke! And you had $20,00 with you when 
you left? 

BriLiE — Besides the $5,000 we sent you! 

Stan — Spent — every cent of it. 

Harry — (in astonishment) You spent $25,000 in 
three weeks? 

Stan — (easily) $27,000, to be exact. 

BiLLiE — (ivhistles) What did you do with it? Buy 
the Pacific Ocean? 

Stan — I didn't buy anything. 

Harry — But you've got something to show for your 
money ? 

Stan — Not even a receipt. 

BiLLiE — (incredulously) You spent $27,000 and did- 
n't buy anything? 

Stan — Precisely. 

Harry — And didn't give it away? 

Stan — It was neither spent nor given away. 

BiLLiE — (holds out hand) Shake, Stan, you're the 
world's eighth wonder. 

Harry — John D. and Henry Ford can't hold a can- 
dle to you. 

Stan — I borrowed the $20,000 dollars from John 



68 The Bad-fire 



Masterson, an old friend of my father, giving my inter- 
est in our company as security. I'm going to turn over 
my interest to him tomorrow in payment, if he vs^ill ac- 
cept. 

Harry — (blankly) You're going to give up your 
interest? 

Stan — I have to, in order to pay this note. 

BiLLiE — And v/e'U have to run the business our- 
selves ? 

Stan — Unless you hire someone to run it for you. 

BiLLiE — Then we had better close shop right away. 
Why, Harry, there, doesn't know a certificate of stock 
from a soap wrapper, 

Stan — That's why I wanted to talk to you right 
away. If you'll hire me, I'll run the business for you. 

Harry — (shouts) If we'll hire you? You consider 
yourself employed right now, and state your own salary. 

BiLLiE — With only one condition. You can't ever 
fire any of your bosses. 

Stan — Good. Then that's settled. We'll talk over 
the details tomorrow. 

BiLLiE — One more thing. We don't go into this 
thing unless you promise to square things with the girls 
for us, tonight. Do we, Harry? 

Harry — Absolutely not. You square things for us 
and we raise your salary. 

Stan — (laughs) Good. I'll have you four cooing 
like two pairs of sick doves inside of fifteen minutes. 
Nov/, you two go into the dance room and be around 
handy when I need you. I'll follow you in a few min- 
utes. 

(Exeunt Harry and BilHe, R. Stan starts for door 
R. Enter Dorothy and Brent. Both Stan and Dorothy 
stop and stare at each other in astonishment. Then Dor- 
othy, ignoring hbn entirely, comes down stage.) 

Brent — (holding out hand to Stan) Why, hello, 



The Backfire 69 



Eoyson, didn't expect to see you so soon again. 

Stan — (sJiaking hands with LocLsley) Nor I you, 
Locksley. I'm glad to see you here though, nevertheless. 
I'll see you again, later in the evening. {Exit R.) 

(Strains of waltz softly float in from R.) 

Dorothy — {sits on couch R.) I didn't know you 
were acquainted with Mr. Royson. 

Brent — (sits beside her) Met him for the first 
time about three weeks ago, in Colorado. Splendid young 
fellow. 

Dorothy — So I thought until a month ago. 

Brent — Until a m.onth ago? And has something 
happened since to make you change your opinion? 

Dorothy — Yes. You have heard about father's fail- 
ure, of course. 

Brent — Yes, Dorothy. And I was dumbfounded to 
hear it. 

Dorothy — That young fellow we met was the cause 
of father's failure. 

Brent — (astonished) Royson? 

Dorothy — Yes. 

Brent — And intentionally? 

Dorothy — Deliberately and intentionally. And to- 
morrow we offer our home for sale. 

Brent — (surprised) Is it as bad as that, Dorothy? 

Dorothy — Yes, Everything is lost. Tomorrow I 
go out to work for a living. 

Brent — Work ! 

Dorothy — I'm going to work for Mr. Harcroft. 

Brent — Dorothy, you can't do that. You must not 
'Cven think cf it. 

Dorothy — You talk like father. Brent. It's neces- 
sary to do so. 

Brent — You know it isn't, Dorothy. You and I 



70 The Backfire 



have always been good pals, ever since we were kids. 
Won't you let me help you? 

Dorothy — I knew you would offer. You always 
were the best pal in all the world. But this is one of the 
things I have to do alone. 

Brent — (softly) Dorothy, I can't think of you go- 
ing out working for someone else. Your sensitive na- 
ture would revolt at some of the things that happen in 
every-day business. I've always loved you, Dorothy. 
Can't j'-ou make up your mind to marry me, and let me 
take care of you? 

Dorothy — (affectionately) Always the same old 
Brent. No, Brent, I'm terribly sorry, but I can't make 
up my mind to marry you just yet. 

Brent — But, Dorothy, you love me? 

Dorothy — T don't know, Brent. Sometimes I think 
I do. Then again I'm sure I don't. I must be sure be- 
fore I give you a definite answer. 

Brent — (softly) You're — you're not in love with 
anyone else? 

Dorothy — (tired) No, Brent, there is no one, now. 

Brent — Then I'm going on hoping forever. Some 
day, Dorothy, I'll make you say yes. 

(Music stops.) 

Dorothy — I som^etimes almost wish you would, 
Brent. (Suddenly.) But here I haven't seen you for 
four months, and all I've done since you came was mope. 
Tell me something about yourself. What new conquests 
have you inade lately? 

Brent — No new conquests. But I've had the big- 
gest licking I ever took in all my life given me this last 
week. 

Dorothy — (interested) Lose a big case? 

Brent — The biggest case I ever attempted. It was 
in a small town out in Colorado. A new railroad was be- 
gun out there about two years ago, but just about the 



The Backfire 71 



time the road was nearinp: completion, it was found that 
the original route had to he changed in order to make it 
it profitable. It was necessary to get a franchise through 
this town, which was entirely surrounded by mountain- 
ous country. The city refused the franchise; the road 
fought for a year and then gave up the struggle. 

Dorothy — But how did you figure in the fight? 

Brent — T was employed by the city to fight the 
franchise. We thought we had the road teat; but a 
month ago, a j'^oung fellow came out there and began the 
fight anew. He spent money la^vishly, employed some of 
the best lawyers in the country — and licked us, too — 
licked us badly. But it cost him about $30,000 to do it. 

Dorothy — What was the name of the road? 

Brent — The Freepcrt Colorado Central. And do 
you know who the young fellow is who licked me? 

Dorothy — Why, no. 

Brent — It was that young fellow, Royson. 

Dorothy — (surprised) Stanley Royson? Why, 
what was his object in fighting for that franchise? Does 
he own stock? 

Brent — That's the m.ystery. Stanley Royson does- 
n't own a share of that stock. (Music begins again.) 
There goes the next dance. Shall we go in? 

Dorothy — Yes. (Rises with Brent and starts to- 
ward door R, on Brent's arm. Thought fulhj.) I wonder 
what Stanley Royson's object was in going West? 

(^Exeunt Dorothy and Brent,- R.) 

{Enter Grace L, begins to cross to door R. Enter 
Stan, C.) 

Stan — (hurriedly) Oh, Grace. 

Grace — (turns in surprise, then meets Stan cor- 
dially) Why, Stan Royson! Harry told me you were 
here, and I was out to find you. 

Stan — So Harry has made his peace with you? 



72 The Backfire 



Grace — Yes, but it was an expensive quarrel for 
him. He promised me a pearl necklace if I would forgive 
him. 

Stan — {laughing) So, naturally forgiving came 
easy. 

Grace — (laughing) Of course. I could forgive al- 
most anything for a pearl necklace. 

Stan — Grace, I want you to do something for me 
right away. 

Grace — (quickly) Dorothy Morrison? 

Stan — Yes. 

Grace — I thought so. Stan, what did you do on that 
trip that cost you $25,000? 

Stan— (quickly) Who said it cost me $25,000? 

Grace — (accusingly) It's true, isn't it? 

Stan— No it isn't. It cost me $27,000. 

Grace — $27,000. And Harry tells me you neither 
bought anything nor gave it away. 

Stan — You tell Harry I'm going to punch his con- 
founded head the next time I see him. 

Grace — (places hand on Stan's arm) Stan, I know 
it isn't any of our business, but tell me, was not that 
quarrel with Dorothy Morrison responsible for 'that 
trip? 

Stan — Listen, Grace. I just had to do something to 
clear myself with Miss Morrison. I knew she owned 
stock in the Freeport Colorado Central Railroad which 
has not been operating because of its inability to pro- 
cure a franchise from the city of Freeport through the 
town. I took what money I had and fought the city and 
today the franchise was granted. 

Grace — But I don't understand — 

Stan — Can't you see? Dorothy Morrison thinks 
she is penniless because that stock is worthless. In real- 
ity her holdings in that company are worth now between 
sixty and seventy-five thousand dollars. 



The Backfire 73 



Grace — And you spent your whole fortune in order 
to make that stock worth something? 

Stan — Grace, I just had to do something to clear 
myself. 

Grace — (placing both hands on his shoulders) Stan 
you spent $27,000 for Dorothy Morrison? 

Stan — Well, you see, that's all I had. 

Grace — (impulsively) Stan, I'm proud of you. It 
was a wonderful thing to do. You're a real lover. 

(Music stops.) 

Stan — Now I want you to arrange things for me 
so that 1 can get to talk to her Do you think you can do 
it. 

Grace — (eagerly) And then you'll tell her all about 
it? 

Stan — (quickly) No, no. She must not know any- 
thing about the part I played in the matter. 

Grace — Stan, you spend $27,000 on a girl and then 
want to keep her in ignorance of the fact? 

Stan — (stvhhornly) She must never know that I 
had anything to do with it. But she must be told that 
the stock is valuable, to make sure that she doesn't sell 
it for little or nothing. 

Grace — (happily) Stan, she'll be too happy for 
words. There are so many things she has missed lately; 
her horses, her auto, her servants — 

Stan — (eagerly) Grace, bring her in here quickly, 
so I can tell her right away. 

Grace — Oh, Stan, she'll be so glad — she'll fall on 
your neck and kiss you. 

Stan — (excited) Then for goodness sake don't lose 
any more time. Send her in right away. 

(Exit Grace, R. Stan paces up and down excitedly 
several tiynes. Exit Stan, R.) 

(Enter Winnie, C, followed by Harry.) 



74 The Backfire 



Harry — (laughs slightly) Don't you think you have 
punished him enough, Winnie? (Looks off stage R.) 
Over there leaning against that stairway, just look at 
that picture of perfect woe. 

Winnie — {looks off stage R, haughtily, then tosses 
head stubbornly) I don't care. He needs a good lesson. 
He had no business coming late to my party, 

Harry — But you've punished him enough. And he'll 
kill Chauncey Henderson if you dance again with him 
tonight. 

Winnie — Chauncey ought to be killed. He's been 
dancing on my feet instead of the floor all evening. 

Harry — But if he's such a terrible dancer, why do 
you dance with him? 

Winnie— (pozii''w.f/> Just because. 

Harry — I know that's an excellent reason. But be- 
cause what? 

V/iNNlE — Because I want to — so there! 

Harry — But Billie doesn't like to see you dance with 
Chauncey. 

Winnie — [ivarmly) I don't care what Billie likes. 
I'll dance with whom I please. And I won't speak to 
him again, ever, ever, EVER! 

Harry — But Billie says he won't ever be late again. 
He'll start out two hours ahead of time in the future; 
and he'll hire two taxicabs next time, so if one breaks 
down, he'll have the other to fall back on. 

Winnie — (stormily) You can tell Billie Bowers I 
don't care if he hires ten of them. 

Harry — (with mock resignation) Well, I guess I'll 
have to tell Billie it's all off, and he'll have to find another 
girl. 

Winnie — (haughtily) You can tell him whatever 
you please. 

Harry — (slyly) Well it's a good thing Billie has 
that pretty little Vera Compton to fall back on. By Jove, 
they will make a fine-looking couple. 



The Backfire 75 



Winnie — {in center of stage; spitefully) Pretty! 
Is she still wearing that 18th Century dress? 

Harry — (looking oif R.) They're talking together 
now. By George, they do make a fine looking couple. 

( Winnie tosses her head iyi 'pretended disdain.) 

Harry — Look, Winnie. {Winnie does not budge.) 
See, Billie is dark {or light as the case may be) and Vera 
is a blond. That makes a fine combination. 

Winnie — She's not blond. She's red-headed. 

Harry — (still looking off R, enthusiastically) I 
never saw Billie so interested in a,ny girl before. Vera 
is an intelligent girl. 

Winnie — (suddenly, stormily, bursting into tears) 
Harry Langdon, I'll never speak to you again as long as 
I live. (Rushes off stane L.) (Harry htirries oif stage 
R, and reappears in a few seconds with Billie. Billie looks 
the very picture of dejection. As soon as he enters he 
slumps into chair.) 

Harry — (sarcastically) You're a fine picture of a 
Romeo. That love-making act of yours was a scream. 
Where did you ever see anybody make love like that be- 
fore? 

Billie — (gloomily) Well, why in the devil did you 
pick on Vera Compton? Anyone would have to be blind- 
folded to make love to her. 

Harry — Well, she's the only one who would stand it. 
Ye gods! Don't look so heavenly happy. You're a par- 
feet picture of Milwaukee, two weeks after prohibition. 

Billie — Oh, I don't care what happens to me. I 
think I'm going to die anyhow. 

Harry — Weil, you look it. (Pulls him out of chair 
to his f'::et.) Here, wake up. Try to look alive even if 
you are dead. 

Billie — (pathetically) Harry, she danced four 
times with him tonight. 

Harry — Well, what of it? If she can stand his 
dancing on her feet for four long dances, you ought to. 



76 The Backfire 



BiLLiE — But she likes to dance with him. 

Harry — Likes to ! Say, how would you like to have 
someone use your feet as a ballroom floor all evening? 

BiLLiE — (disconsolately) Then, why does she do it? 

Harry — Because Chauncey doesn't ask her whether 
she likes it or not. He goes up to her and says, "This is 
my dance," and takes it, whether she likes it or not. 
That's the way you have to treat them. Treat 'em 
rough. When you go up to her you act like a little poodle 
dog. 

BiLLiE — (hopelesshj) I can't act rough, (suddenly) 
Harry, you ask her for me. 

Harry — (drops disgusted into chair) I ask her for 
you! Say. don't you think I'd better marry her for you? 

BiLLiE — But I don't know how to go about it right. 
I know I'll boob it up. 

Harry — Not if you go about it right. She's in 
there now. Go in like a man. Make her recognize your 
superiority. Tell her what to do instead of letting her 
tell you. 

BiLLiE — (dubiously) You're sure it will work out 
right? 

Harry — Of course it will. All women are like that. 
Once shovz them that you're boss, and you will never 
have any more trouble. 

BiLLiE — And she's in there now? 

Harry — Sure. Now's just your chance. Brace up 
and go on in, and let her know who you are. 

BiLLiE — (starts sloivly and dubiously towards door 
L, then stops hesitatingly) Harry, you're sure it will 
work all right? 

Harry — (impatiently) Of course it will work. 
That cave man stuff always works. 

BiLLiE — (dubiously) Well, if you think it will 
work. (Tries vainly to muster up courage, starts brave- 
ly for door L, stops nervously, then suddenly goes out L.) 



The Backfire 77 



Harry — That's the only way to handle women. Now, 
he won't ever have any more trouble with her. 

(Win7iie's voice suddenly heard- off L, speaking 
loudly and scathingly.) 

Winnie — You demand that I dance with you. You 
demand. Let me tell you something, Billie Bowers; I'm 
not going to dance with you at all. And what's more, 
I'll dance with Chauncey Henderson just as much as I 
please. Don't you ever dare speak to me again as long 
as you live. You demand! Who do you think you are, 
giving me orders? I'm going in right now and dance 
with Chauncey Henderson, so there. {Winnie sweeps in 
L, heml high, haughty as a queen. When she reache'Jl, 
Harry, she stops, turns a scathing look upon him, then 
tosses head and siveeps haughtily from room, R.) 

(Harry looks off after her, scratches head in per- 
plexity. Enter Billie, L, slowly and painfully, the very 
picture of absolute dejection. He comes to center of 
stage, pauses, then looks at Harry pathetically.) 

Billie — It — it didn't work. 

Harry — (Folds arms, looks Billie over from head 
to foot, exhaling deep breaths of fervent disgust) Ow!! 
(Takes Billie by arm, leading him out C.) Come on. 
You're done for. You'd better find that pickle factory 
belle now. 

(Exeunt Billie and Harry, C.) 

(Enter Dorothy, R. She looks around as though ex- 
pecting someone. Enter Stan, R.) 

Stan — (eagerly) Miss Morrison. 

Dorothy — (haughtily) 1 thought I had given you 
to understand, sir, that we are no longer friends. 

Stan — You did. Emphatically. The only reason I 
address you now, is because I have news for you that 
may be of interest. 

Dorothy — (coldly) I know of nothing you might 



78 The Backfire 



tell me that would be of fnterest to me. So you'll excuse 
me. {Starts for door L.) 

Stan — Miss Morrison, won't you even give me a 
hearing to defend myself? Even the commonest crim- 
inal has that privilege. 

Dorothy — -I neither pardon nor condemn you. Your 
actions are entirely indifferent to me. 

Stan — (quickly) Dorothy, you — 
• Dorothy — (coldly) Miss Morrison. 

Stan — (^^agcrly) Miss Morrison, I really have good 
news for you. I hear you are selling your home next 
week, 

Dorothy— Is that the "good news" you have to tell 
me? 

Stan — No, no! It will not be necessary for you to 
sell your home. 

Dorothy — Your humor is entirely too deep for me, 
sir. 

Stan — (eagerly) But I mean it. Miss Morrison, 
you are worth at least $70,000. 

Dorothy — What ! 

Stj^N — Instead of being penniless, you are worth at 
least $70,000. 

Dorothy — (dazed) But — I — how? 

Stan — One of your investments that you consider 
worthless has turned out to te very profitable. 

Dorothy — You are really in earnest? 

Stan — Absolutely. 

Dorothy — And I really am worth $70,000? 

Stan — Probably more than that. 

Dorothy — And I won't have to sell our home? 

Stan — And you can repurchase your horses, and 
your autos — 

Dorothy — Oh, this is too good to be true. What in- 
vestment was it? 



The Backfire 79 



Stan — The Freeport Colorado Central Railway. 

Dorothy — (staring at Stan) The Freeport Colo- 
rado Central Railway! 

Stan — {iagerly) Yes. It took a big jump today, 
and 3^our thousand shares are worth at least $70,000. 

Dorothy —(c?a^cd^;/) My thousand shares! 

Stan — And it probably will be worth more than 
that. 

Dorothy — But — but I don't own any of that stock. 

Stan— WHAT I ! 

Dorothy— I sold my thousand shares two months 
ago. 

Stan — {stunned) You sold your two thousand 
shares two motnhs ago! 

Dorothy — Yes. 

Stxn— {sinking into chair, overcome) Ye gods! 
$27,000 : 

Dorothy— $27,000 ! What do you mean? 

Stan — (rising, dazed) Nothing — nothing. I — I'm 
not feeling very well. 

Dorothy — But won't you explain? You act so 
queer. 

Stan — (dazed) I feel queer, too. (Starts slowly for 
door L. Turns) Miss Morrison, the ivory supply of the 
world is vsafe. (Exit L.) 

(Dorothy hurriedly looks off L, after Stan.) 
(Enter Harry, R.) 

Harry — (cheerfully) Congratulations, Miss Morri- 
son. Grace was just telling — • 

Dorothy — (quickly) Oh, Harry, won't you go in 
and see what is the matter with Mr. Royson? He was 
here just a few moments ago, and he acted so queer. 
First told me I was worth $70,000, and — 

Harry — But you see, you are worth $70,000. Your 



80 Th^ Backfire 



thousand shares of Freeport Colorado Central stock 
took a big jump today. 

Dorothy — But I sold that stock two months ago. 

HARRY—What ! 

Dorothy — T sold it two months ago. 

Karry— (stunned) 0-w! $27,000!! 

Dorothy — You act just like he did. Has everybody 
gone crazy? Mr. Roy son seemed really ill. 

Harry — He not only seemed ill. He was ill. {Hur- 
ries out L.) $27,000! 

{Enter Grace.) 

Grace — {enthusiastically) Oh, Dorothy, I'm so 
glad — 

Dorothy — (interrupting) Just a minute. Are you 
going to act like the others — tell me I'm worth $70,000? 

Grace — {eagerly) So Stan told you already? 

Dorothy — Before we go any further — I sold my 
stock of Freeport Colorado Central Railway two months 
ago. 

Grace — What ! 

Dorothy — That's just the way they acted about it. 
What is all this about? 

Grace — {violently) Dorothy, you didn't — ^you did- 
n't sell that stock? 

Dorothy — But I did. Two months ago. 

Grace — {sinking to couch dazed) 0-oh! $27,000! 

Dorothy — (provoksd) Have you gone crazy, too? 
Mr. Royson really seemed ill. 

Grace — {still dazed) He will be for several months 
to come. $27,000 ! 

Dorothy — Grace, will you have the goodness to ex- 
plain this maze to me? 

Grace — Sit down, and I'll tell you the whole story; 
although Stan v/ill never forgive me for doing it. {Both 
sit on coiich.) Dorothy, did Brent Locksley tell you about 



The Backfire 81 



the fight he had last week over the franchise of the Free- 
port Uolorado Central Railway? 

DoEOTHY — Yes. 

Grace — Did he tell you who it was who was fighting 
him on that franchise? 

Dorothy — (^interested) Yes. He said it was Stan- 
ley Royson. 

Grace — Good. Do you know why Stanley Royson 
made the fight for that franchise? 

DOROTH"i: — No. I couldn't understand why he made 
the fight, since, as Brent tells me, he owned no stock. 

Gra.ce — He did it tor someone who did own stock. 

Dorothy — Grace, has he gone mad? 

Grace — I think he has. I'll let you decide that when 
I've finished. He spent $27,000 of his own money to 
cause a stock to rise in value, in which he had no inter- 
est; he hired some of the best lawyers in the country to 
make a fight for something that would benefit him not 
an iota. 

Dorothy — Then, why — ; 

Gracf — Can't you see, Dorothy? He did it for some- 
one of whom he thinks more than of himself. 

Dorothy — Yes, yes. 

Grace — Dorothy, he did it for you. 

{Dramatic pause, then Dorothy rises, extremely ag- 
itated.) 

Dorothy — Grace, what — what do you mean? 

Grace — {rising) Just this. Stan knew that by win- 
ning that franchise, he could increase the value of stock 
which ne thought you possessed. So he spent every cent 
that he owned, and borrowed more, in order to make 
partial reparation for the wrong he thinks he did to you. 

Dorothy — (agitated) Grace, he didn't! 

Grace — Oh, but he did. 

Dorothy — And he didn't know, until I told him just 
a few minutes ago, that I no longer owned that stock? 



82 The Backfire 



Grace — Not even a suspicion. Can you blame him 
for looking ill? 

Dorothy — And he spent $27,000; every cent that 
he owned, for me? 

Grace — And then borrowed from everybody who 
would trust him. 

Dorothy — Grace, he spent $27,000 for me? 

Grace — That is what I have been trying to tell you 
for the past ten minutes. 

Dorothy — (suddenly rushes over to Grace, throio- 
ing her arms around her exultantly) Oh, Grace, I'm so 
happy — so happy! 

Grace— Happy! Because Stan lost $27,000? 

Dorothy — (exidtantly) But don't you see, he 
wouldn't have done it unless — unless — 

Grace — Yes, unless what? 

Dorothy — Unless — Grace, honey, come and help me 
find him right away. (Takes Grace by arm and hur- 
riedly leads her forcibly L.) We must find him right 
away. 

(Exeunt Dorothy and Grace, L ,hastily.) 

(Enter Billie, doivn-cast and dejected, R. He sits 
on settee, holding head in his hands, a picture of perfect 
misery.) 

(Enter Harry, C, sees Billie, throws up hands in 
fervent disgust.) 

Harry — For the love of Pete, haven't you and Win- 
nie straightened things out yet? (Billie makes no an- 
svjer. Harry goes to door C and. calls.) Grace, oh, 
Grace. (To Billie.)Y(m're a fine Romeo, you are. (En- 
ter Grace, C.) Grace, do you see that sitting on the set- 
tee? See what you can do with it. 

Grace — I was just trying to help bring Dorothy and 
Stan together. Dorothy asked me to help find Stan. We 
looked all over for him and finally located him in the gar- 
den. But as soon as she saw him, after we had looked 



The Backfire 83 

over the whole place for him, she runs back to the house 
like a frightened deer. I'm still trying to figure out why 
we looked for him in the first place. 

Harry — Well, here's a case that will require some 
more figuring. Talk to that, over on the settee and see 
what you can do with it. 

Grace — (consolingly, to Billie) What's the matter, 
Billie? Aren't they treating you right? 

Billie — (pathetically) Winnie danced eight times 
with Chauncey Henderson, and she won't dance with me 
at all. 

Harry — Well, for the love of mud, don't act like a 
sick calf about it. Brace up and show her you don't care. 

Billie — (glumly) But I do care. Grace, I think 
I'm going to die. 

Grace — Poor Billie! Never mind, Harry and I will 
straighten it out for you. 

Harry^ — Not on your life. I tried twice this evening 
to fix it up for him. First time I tried to get him to 
make love to Vera Compton. I wish you could have seen 
that love-making stunt. (Laughs heartily.) It was a 
scream. 

Billie — (forlornly) It just made things worse. 
Now she won't speak to me at all. 

Grace — Billie, if I promise to fix things for you, 
promise to do exactly as I tell you? 

Billie — (disconsolately) Yes, if I don't have to 
make love to Vera Compton, 

Grace — (consolingly) Of course you don't have to 
make love to Vera. Now, you stand outside that door 
{indicating door C) and when I give the signal, and 
mind you not before, you come in. (To Harry) Harry, 
go out and find Winnie. 

Harry — All right, but you can bet your last nickel, 
if it's possible to be boohed, he'll boob it. (Exit R.) 

Grace — Now, Billie, stand outside that door, and 
everything will be 0. K. 



84 The Backfire 



BiLLiE — Grace, if thi^ thing works out right, I — I 
believe I'll kiss you. (ExH C.) 

(Enter Winnie and Harry, R.) 

Winnie — Harry said you wanted me, Grace. 

Grace — Winnie, do you know you have treated Bil- 
lie terribly tonight? 

Winnie — (tossing head defiantly) I don't care. He 
had no business acting the Avay he did. 

Harry — I agree with you. His acting was terrible. 
(Aside) Especially that love-making act. 

Grace — But you will drive him away altogether. 
Billie's a nice boy. You won't find many like him. 

Winnie — (sarcastically) Because they keep the 
others locked up, I suppose. 

Grace — (carelessly) Well, I'm glad you don't care. 
Especially after what Harry and I saw between him and 
Vera Compton just a few minutes ago. 

Winnie — (starts) Vera Compton! 

Harry — (ivith shocked expression) It was scandal- 
ous. 

Grace — When we entered the room he was making 
violent love to her — he was holding her hand — 

Harry — He was holding both her hands. 

Winnie — (trying to appear unconcerned) Hm! 
Little do I care. 

Grace — But that isn't all. That isn't all he was do- 
ing, was it Harry? 

Harry — No, indeed ! He was doing more than that. 

(Billie looks in door C, signalling frantically for 
Grace to stop. Grace ignores him entirely, while Harry 
slams the door on him.) 

Winnie — I don't care what he was doing. 

Grace — But Winnie, I feel that in viev/ of your past 
relations with Billie, you should know. Winnie, I really 
believe he kissed her. 



The Backfire 85 



Harry — (shocked) Winnie, he kissed her twice, I 
sav; him. 

Winnie — (furiously) I don't care what he did to 
her. Just wait till I see him again tonight. 

Grace — But you won't see him again tonight. 

Harry — No, you won't see him again tonight. 

Winnie — (furiously) And why won't I? 

Grace — Becau se — 

Harry — Because — 

Grace — Because he left a few minutes ago with 
Vera. 

Winnie — (stunned) What ! 

Harry — Yes, in Vera's Packard. That's another nice 
thing about Vera — that Packard. 

Winnie — BilHe left with Vera Compton? 

Grace — Not five minutes ago. 

Winnie — (dazed) And he left without letting ma 
know! 

Harry — But you see, you haven't a Packard. 

(Winnie fUngs herself on to the settee, sobbincf. 
Grace and Harry hurry to door C, and pull Billie in. Bil- 
lle looks <if Winnie blankly, unable to comprehend what 
he is supposed to do.) 

Grace — (in a whisper) Now's your chance, Billie. 

Harry — (whisper) And for the love of Pete, don't 
boob it up again. Pve run out of lies. 

Billie — (in a tremulous whisper, heivildered) But 
— but I — I don't know what to do. 

Harry — Don't you worry about that. You can just 
bet your young life she'll tell you what to do. 

(Exeunt Grace and Harry, C.) 

(Billie stands where they have left him. He looks 
at Winnie in a dazed and. beioildered manner. Starts to- 
ward her, then stops, nervously; starts to say something, 
but can't think of the rlqht thing to say. Winnie rises, 
with her back to Billie, still sobbing. Walks R.) 



86 The Backfire 



WiNNTF — (sobbing) .And — and he left without — 
without telling me goodbye. 

BiLLiE — (falteringly) No — no I didn't, Winnie. I 
— I'm still — I'm still here. 

Winnie — (turning suddenly) Billie! (rushes 
over into Billie's arms. Billie opens arms mechanicallif 
to receive her, too dazed to realize his good fortune) 
Billie, they told me you had gone off with that horrid 
Vera Compton. 

Billie — (dazed) No — no, I — I didn't go. (Pathet- 
ically) Winnie, you — won't dance with Chauncey Hen- 
derson any more, will you? 

Winnie — If you won't talk to Vera any more. (Re- 
proachfully) Billie, you like Vera, don't you? 

Billie — I — I hate her. (Reproachfully) Winnie, 
you haven't danced with me all evening. 

Winnie — (eagerly) Let's dance the next one to- 
gether. 

Billie — (eagerly) Let's. (Billie and Winnie start 
eagerly for door R.) Winnie, now I know how it feels 
to be in heaven. 

(Exeunt Winnie and Billie R.) 
(Enter Dorothy, Grace and Harry, C.) 

Grace — Why did Brent leave so early? He asked 
Harry and me if we would see to it that you reached 
home safely. Brent seemed all put out that he had to 
leave so early. 

Dorothy — He received an urgent telephone call on 
some matter that required his immediate attention. 
Brent told me either you or Billie and Winnie would see 
me safely home. 

Harry — You had better go with us. Billie and Win- 
nie do not want to be bothered by any third party to- 
night. 

(Enter Stan, R, followed by Hopkins.) 



The Backfire 87 



Stan — Hopkins, will you be good enough to get my 
hat for me? I'm leaving in a few minutes. 

Hopkins — Very well, sir. I'll attend to it. {Exit 
C.) 

{Stan starts to go out C.) 

Grace — {suddenly) Oh, Stan. {Stan stops and 
turns.) Can I see you a moment before you go? 

Stan — {Comes doivn stage.) Why, of course, what 
is it? 

Grace — Mr. Locksley had to leave early this even- 
ing, so Miss Morrison has no one to escort her home. I 
thought perhaps, you — 

Dorothy — (gasps, korrifi.ed) Grace!! 

Harry — {grasping the situoMon; offhandedhj) That 
is, if it isn't too much trouble for you, you — 

Dorothy — Rarry ! 

Stan — {dazed) Why, I — I — I'd be delighted. 

Dorothy — {panic stricken) But I — I couldn't think 
of troubling Mr. Royson. Hopkins is waiting down- 
stairs for him now, and — 

Harry — (disparagingly) Oh, why worry about a 
little thing like Hopkins? 

Grace — Harry and I will leave you together to work 
out the details yourselves. Come on Harry. 

Dorothy — (frantically) But, Grace — Harry — I — 

Harry — And don't worry about Hopkins, Stan. I'll 
tell him you're not ready to go just yet. 

(Exeunt Harry and Grace, C.) 

Dorothy — (panting, frightened) Please, Mr. Roy- 
son, don't mind Grace and Harry, they — they must have 
their joke. 

Stan — (coming over near her) But, it's true, isn't 
it, that you have no one to escort you home tonight? 

Dorothy — "fes, but — 

Stan — But what? 



88 The Backfire 



Dorothy — (turns to him suddenly) I know that aft- 
er what has happened this evening, you must hate me. I 
can't accept j^our escort v/ith you feeling that way about 
me. 

Stan — (earnestly) But, Miss Morrison, I assure 
you — 

Dorothy — (biftrrJy) Oh, I know what you would 
say — that you have only the friendliest of feeling for me, 
but you can't — you can't help feeling otherwise. 

Stan — But I don't understand what you mean. I 
only know that for a month the sun hasn't shone for me, 
because — well, because I had fallen in the estimation of 
Dorothy Gray. 

Dorothy" — But Dorothy Gray died, and Dorothy 
Morrison took her place — the same Dorothy Morrison 
whom you despise — 

Stan — (eagerly) No. No longer despise. Dorothy 
Morrison now occupies that place in my regard that Dor- 
othy Gray once possessed. 

Dorothy — (suddenly turning to Stan) Mr. Royson, 
what were you doing out of town this past month? 

Stan — (confused) Why — er — I — just a little matter 
of business. 

Dorothy — (playing with fan) Mr. Locksley tells 
me he met you out in Colorado, and that you were fight- 
ing each other over some franchise. 

Stan — (avoiding her eyes) Yes, yes — trying to pro- 
tect my stock in that road. 

Dorothy — Mr. Locksley told me the name of that 
road, too. Let me see — Freeport Colorado Central, was- 
n't it? 

Stan — Yes, I — er — I think that was it. 

Dorothy — Singular, isn't it? That's the very same 
stock you talked to me about this evening, and seemed 
surprised that I had sold it. 

Stan — (takes out handkerchief and mops forehead) 
Yes, yes. Very singular. 



The Backfire 89 



Dorothy — {calmly 'playing with fan) Your holdings 
of stock in that road must be enormous to spend $27,000 
to protect it. 

Stan— (sziddenly) Who said I spent $27,000? 

Dorothy — I think Harry mentioned it. 

Stan — (Aside) Confound Harry, anyway. 

Dorothy — How much of that stock did you say you 
owned, Mr. Royson? 

Stan — Why — er — I think a couple of hundred 
shares. 

Dorothy — (feigning mild stirprise) And you spent 
$27,000 to protect two hundred shares of stock worth 
about twelve or fifteen thousand dollars? Is that good 
business judgment? 

Stan — (mopping forehead) Well, you see — I — 

Dorothy — (suddenly, looking at him, squarely) Mij 
Royson, do you own any of that stock? 

(Stan stares at her, speechless, then looks away, 
twitching fingers nervously.) 

Dorothy — Mr. Royson, do you own any of that 
stock? 

Stan — I — I can't answ^er that question. 

Dorothy — But I insist upon knowing. Do you own 
any of that stock? 

Stan — (looking down, avoiding her gaze) No. 

Dorothy — Then, why did you spend $27,000 in or- 
der to revive that road? 

(Stan, very much agitated, walks to center of room) 

Dorothy — Tell me. Why did you spend all of that 
money in order to revive a road in which you had no in- 
terest? 

Stan — I — I can't answer that question, either. 

(Music off R.) 

Dorothy — Then I'll answer it for you. You did it 
— for me. 



90 The Backfire 



Stan — {turns sMdenly, staring at her in amaze- 
ment) You — you knew? 

Dorothy — Grace told me half an hour ago. (Soft- 
ly) Stanley, it was a wonderful thing to do. When 
Grp,ce told me, I couldn't realize that you had done that 
for me. 

Stan — (em.barrassed) It — it was nothing. 

Dorothy — You spent $27,000 just for me. Stan, 
how can I ever repay you? 

Stan — {suddenly) By taking me back into your re- 
gard again. By letting me occupy again that place in 
your estimation that was mine before — before this thing 
happened. 

Dorothy — You really — really care for a place in 
Dorothy Morrison's regard? 

Stan — Would I have spent those countless sleepless 
nights if I hadn't cared? (Disconsolately) But I have 
failed you again. Instead of making $20,000 I have 
failed utterly. 

DORCTHY — (softly) But you have done something 
that means infinitely more; something that cannot be 
measured in terms of dollars and cents. Thousands of 
men have made millions in money. But how few have 
ever done a thing to equal that which you have done for 
me today? 

Stan — (softly) And you'll let me take you home? 
(Suddenly, disconsolately.) No, I can't even do that. 

Dorothy — Why? 

Stan — (ivith embarrassed laugh) You'll not care if 
I tell you? 

Dorothy — Of course not. 

Stan — Because I'm so badly broke, I can't even pay 
the taxi driver. 

Dorothy — (eagerly) Oh, Stan, then we'll have to 
walk. 

Stan — (eagerly) You'll really walk home with me? 



The Backfire 91 



Dorothy — {demurely) Dorothy Gray always, 

walked. 

Stan — Yes, but Dorothy Morrison — 

Dorothy — Dorothy Morrison is going to change in- 
to Dorothy Gray again. You like that name better any- 
how, don't you Stan? 

Stan — {■moving very close to Dorothy, softly) 
There's only one I'll like better. 

Dorothy — (softly) And — ^and what is that? 

Stan — Dorothy Royson. 

Dorothy — (softly; in his arms) I — I believe I'll 
like that better, too. 



CURTAIN 



I 






YOU WEL BE GLAD TO KNOW OF 

THESE NEW PLAYS 

Training Mary 

By Mary Shaw Page. A bright 1-act play with sim- 
ple stage setting. William, husband of Mary, essays 
to train Mary, especially along the lines of correctins 
carelessness. As !• always the case, William gets in 
deep water, but finally wades out. 2 males, 4 fe» 
males, and plays about 45 minutes. Price, 2Sc. 

The Hired Man's Courtship 

By Alice Cripps. A short comedy-drama in 2 acts. 
Captain Edwards tires of wealth and the city, and 
procures work on Horton's farm, only to find that the 
farmer's daughter is an old sweetheart. Because of 
an intrigue on the part of the captain's cousin, an es- 
trangement takes place, which ends happily when the 
. captain finds the source of certain stories and re- 

V futes them. Aunt Hepsey, Jim and Ezra (colored), 

add comedy to the play. Plays about 45 minutes, 
and is for 3 males and 3 females. Price, 25c. 

Merely Anne Marie 

A comedy in 3 acts by Beulah King. 3 males, S fe- 
males. Time, 2V2 hours. The scenes are laid in a 
fashionable boarding house, and the characters are all 
distinct types and worth while. A snccessful play- 
wright, desiring to escape notoriety, seeks seclusion 
at Mrs. Teague's and becomes the hero of Anne Ma- 
rie, the dining room maid. The dialogue is bright, 
the situations clever and the story ends happily. 35c. 

A Bit of Scandal 

By Fannie Barnett Linsky. Comedy-drama in 2 acts. 
Francina, who is to play at the recital, composes her 
own number. On the evening of the recital, Mary 
Sherman, who precedes her on the program, plays 
Francina's compositions, which she has stolen. The 
reasons for the theft all come out later and of course, 
all ends well. Nine characters. Plays about 1 hour. 
Price, 3Sc. 

Miss Burnett Puts One Over 

By Ethelyn Sexton. A rollicking 1-act girls' play for 
6 characters. Bzu-bara's mother has a friend, Ann Bur- 
nett, who is to visit the girls at college, with the in- 
tention of giving a generous sum to the school. The 
girls, wishing o gain her good will, practice their 
"manners." Miss Burnett, however, appears in dis- 
guise and has much fun at their expense. All ends 
well and the school gets the money. Plays about 45 
minutes. Easy setting and costumes. Price, 25c. 

Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 



New Song-Recitations 



HERE is a list of very clever child- 
impersonations or good encores 
for children. The lines are by 
Margaret Fassitt, the music by Anna 
and Harry C. Eldridge. They will 
be winners on your program. 



Ain't It The Limit? ) 

When You Ask About Your Fixins I 



Both in 

one 
number 

50c 



Both in 



It Santa Shouldn't Come To Me | ^^^^ 
I've Been And Had The Measles ) "soc 



I Wish 1 Had A Ginger-cake ) 
Our Twins ) 

When Grandpop Was A Boy 
When Daddy Took Me Up 

In A 'Plane 



Both in 

one 
number 

50c 



Both in 

one 
number 

50c 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Losan St. 



015 898 515 9 



/^ 



New Juvenile Entertainments 



A-B-C-Capers 

By Soemple. Here is an attractive and novel number 
for the Primary Grades or Kindergarten. Little Tim's 
despair in not being able to master letters is turned 
to keen interest by the antics of the alphabet troupe. 
Plays about 20 minutes. Price, 2Sc 

Emily's Dream 

By Mary Frix Kidd. This is the story of a Geogra- 
phy lesson, which, instead of being irksome, was, 
through the medium of a Good Fairy, made very in- 
teresting. This is done by presenting a Geographical 
Pageant. For a large number of children, who pre- 
sent drills, exercises, etc., in costumes of different 
nations. Time, about 1 hour. Price, 25c. 



The Love Flower 



By Bell Elliott Palmer. A very pretty exercise for 6 
or 10 girls and 1 boy. Suitable for Children's Day or 
Easter, and can be given either in or out of doors. 
Time, 10 minutes. Price, 15c. 

The Silver Sandals 

By Banche Thompson. Ths is a charming new play 
for 6 boys, 5 girls, fairies, peasants, attendants, etc. 
The Princess is downhearted and refuses to be con- 
soled. The fiddler plays, peasants do folk-dances, fai- 
ries drill, but not until she gets the silver sandals is 
she contented. Plays 1 hour or more. Price,- 25c. 

When Betty Saw the Pilgrims 

By Margaret Howard. A pretty story showing how 
dissatisfied Betty was cured by her mother, who tells 
the story of the hardships of the Pilgrims, which is 
illustrated by ten tableaux. Large numbers of chil- 
dren can be used. Plays about 30 minutes. Price, 
25c. 

Princess Rosy Cheeks 

By Effie Sammond Balph. A "good health" play for 
children, which is very impressive. Introduces Fresh 
Air Fairies, Soap and Water Fairies, Tooth Brush 
Brigade, f'ood Fairies, Rest Fairies, and others. Good- 
sized cast required with two older chi'dren. Plays 
about 1 hour. Price, 35c. 



Queen Loving Heart 



By Jean Ross. A splendid children's play, teaching 
many good lessons. A pretty story of the crowning of 
Loving Heart, her capture by the Indians and sub- 
sequent release, because of her kindness. Can be used 
for May Day play. 11 speaking parts, Indians, etc. 
Plays about 45 minutes. Price, 25c. 

Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 



v5 



